9ofcups | Recent Entries

o earth, the number of friends you keep exceeds those left to be loved.

🏷 amalthea. 21, any pronouns. fic writer, astrologer and tarot treader.
ao3 / twitter

📬 my posts

first of all new dreamwidth just dropped so reply if you want access to it. there isn't anything on it yet but read this before you ask:

i'm not really into enhypen at all anymore and do in fact heavily dislike most members for sunoo-specific reasons. you can call me a solo stan over it but really what it is is that i'm just kind of tired of kpop in general, and seeing my favs be incessantly rude to my other fav is getting justtt a little exhausting. i do feel a little melancholic about it because i feel like i wrote some of my best lines in and passages and fics in general in my enhypen era but it's also like... well when you're dispassionate about something there's nothing you can do. so if you're an engene here for engene reasons... i suggest you don't bother.

i suppose the only kpop groups i'm even vaguely into at this point are skz txt and xdh... man i was going to add fromis but we just learned the f8 news and now i'm like T__T even More unlikely to be kpopfan. sorry it's just that fromis are the gg that replaced aoa for me, and aoa was the group that got me into kpop so... ahem if you like kpop maybe don't follow this new dreamwidth? idk. i'm sure i'll still be kpoprpsing to some degree because there truly is something so personal and serious about shaking/crying/sobbing over kpop boys and girls and girlboys on a locked post lol

current interests

genshin impact
nijisanji-en (yes i'm into vtubers and their real and serious dynamics like genuinely it's that personal... IM SORRY the kpop2vtuber fake fanservice 2 real fanservice is a thing that exists)
fire emblem
honkai impact 3rd
some kpop

i'm just saying this all as like... a general warning i suppose. i might copypaste some posts from here to there but in the meantime i'm.... hm idk it just feels weird to leave this account so randomly LMAO and i doubt anyone is even reading this anyway but if you have read my unhinged posts ty for partaking in the craziness and know that i am still crazy but will now be crazy elsewhere. best of luck!!

(pictured: me thinking about the 80 hours i've spent playing fe3h since late december)

( 🐱⚔️ )

( any gamer girls here who solely play tactical turn-based rpgs? no? just me? okay... )

🎼 SIGN FREQUENCY

combining sidereal and tropical
⬆️ leo [11] + cancer/gemini [9]
⬇️ aries/pisces [1]

( why is their group name so inherently embarrassing )

🗒 for organizational purposes considering it's been a while since i've consistently posted on here

spirituality

💡 the astrology of gender & sexuality
> i have no idea how long this one is going to be but i definitely want to delve into how astrology can or can't be used in breaking down aspects of expression in our lives, because imo a lot of people get it wrong when they try to assign genders to signs. like it's just too simple to do that which takes away from the nuance that astrology offers us and it's more interesting to think about it from the perspective of intersectionality within astrology itself the way one might do so in analyzing an individual's religious or cultural upbringing but with an added aspect of self as opposed to surroundings.

💡 tarotposting
> i just want to put all my decks and their associated personalities in one place lmao so this would be super informal. i think i have eight or so at this point which is mind-boggling considering i started practicing tarot last september but it's fine

💡 guide to vedic nakshatras
> this one has literally been sitting in the drafts for months... but i'm trying to reconfigure it because it was such an ambitious project when i decided to start and i feel like i know so much more about how the nakshatras work and it would be a disservice to continue it as is... i'm actually tempted to go the lazy route and forgo descriptions altogether and just post each one like this example of a nakshatra i haven't gotten to quite yet:

SHRAVANA

rashi/sidereal sign: capricorn
tropical sign: aquarius
degree range: 10º - 23'20º
rashi lord: saturn
nakshatra lord: moon
group: deva
symbol: an ear
ruling deity: vishnu

power: to connect and comprehend.

idols with shravana in their chart:

SUN: taehyun (txt), jisung (nct), taeyoung (cravity), minju (ex-izone)
MOON: ryujin (itzy)
MERCURY: isa (stayc)
VENUS: eric (tbz), isa (stayc), sakura (ex-izone)
MARS: chenle (nct), olivia hye (loona)

but again that would also be a disservice to the intricacies of nakshatras but like [tears hair out of skull] i'm just not sure how to go about explaining it... like yes shravanas are intensely intellectual with a disinterest in forming many close relationships but one would have to also take into account the very clear influence of the capricorn rashi etc etc. which i would love to do but it would make the post extremely rambly and overall incomprehensible so we'll see.

fic + kpop

💡 favorite tropes
> another one that's been brewing in the procrastination pot for months... to be specific i started this post all the way back in september while i was on my colorado trip for school and i got pretty damn far before i got swept up by midterms and just never went back even though it's literally 6k words long and is begging me to go back and finish it. i think the reason why i've told myself i can't finish it is because there are a lot of enhypen rps thoughts in that post and well. i'm just not passionate about enhypen like i used to be thanks to how busy i was + how genuinely boring tamed-dashed promotions were so i feel like i just can't right now, which is silly but whatever.

💡 xdinary heroes
> love what i've seen of this group so far and i can't wait to actually get into things with them! i had the sneaking suspicion that they'd be my next fandom as soon as i saw 02z and then sammy was like "i'll be real i just assumed you were planning on doing this" which was kinda the nail in the coffin for my easily-convinced brain but i'm 100% fine with it anyway. specifically because the dynamic between gaon jooyeon and junhan just gets to me. sorry to leave ode out as the last 02z but i don't know anything about him yet so i guess it just has to be this way xx (i think he's adorable though). the plan is to post this like i posted my original enhypen thoughts — bias list, then dynamics, then fic ideas.

💡 tinhats and tinhets
> if you know me you know i love my tinhatting and i tend to do it by age group + canon friendships because there's only so far you can stretch the imagination (although who remembers when i was unhinged over yeonjun and chanhee. that was pure insanity) so things like the 99z polycule are very near and dear to my heart. i tend to group 00z/01z and 98z/99z together but i just want to get into it because it's actually that serious to me.

2022 goals

🌱 word count: 70k
🌱 published fics: 5
🌱 longfic wc goal: 30k
🌱 books read: 50

2021 overview

🌓 word count: 63.5k
🌓 published fics: 13
🌓 max longfic: 21k
🌓 books read: 34

( ☀️💭🌿🌷🌇🍄💬🏷 )

( 🔭🌟🔮☄️🌃 )

a quick two-section round-up because 1. i didn't write 2. nothing about school has been new or interesting and 3. the vibes are awful. coming to you from mid-term hell... please keep me in your thoughts and prayers i have so much to do that i just haven't done<3

( i'd say happy scorpio szn but LMFAOO anyway. )

i keep wondering how i let myself stoop so low as to start drinking coffee literally every single fucking day when i was a hardcore anti of it like three weeks ago and i admittedly still don't have an answer but it's fine. the bigger issue regarding this post is the fact that i typed most of it on the flight home from colorado like at this point there's something deeply wrong with me and my obsession with this site

(also i deactivated my twitter briefly so no one is going to see this post but it's whatever. i'll probably lock it in few days or whenever the inherent embarrassment of allowing myself to be perceived as a scorpio rising 8th house moon takes over my soul... not that anyone is actually reading this of course)

( ☕️💭🍂 )

for the record this is less of a coffeepost and more of a school_life_post with coffee on the side now that i'm back on campus and will also be suffering 40mins away from home for literally 16 hours today... i'd rather kill myself but haha it's fine. everyday i wonder how the hell i managed fall semester of sophomore year when i had an intro to polisci lecture at 8am and a microbiology lab from 6:30pm-9pm... the pandemic has ruined my ability to overwork the shit out of myself tbh! which is kind of the ideal here but still.

favorite drinks btw:

iced pumpkin spice latte, 2 pumps of vanilla syrup, whipped cream, caramel drizzle, light ice
apple spice macchiato. just straight up with no additions
iced caramel latte, 1 pump of vanilla syrup
nitro cold brew

sorry for the easily-perceivable sweet tooth i literally cannot help it i'm just this way. for real though WHO IS DRINKING BITTER COFFEE!!!! (koko is but that's fine every gemini has a flaw. koko if you see this i'm joking i love you xx)

okay seriously though i can't believe i genuinely unironically enjoy super sweet drinks and also the seasonal ones, and for the record i definitely prefer the PSL over the ASM but the ASM is good for when i already have a pre-existing headache and don't want to add extra sweeteners to my drink (i'll end up explaining the indirect(?) rlship between caffeine and my chronic migraines at some point hopefully). also the amount of additions i add genuinelyyyy depends on the energy the barista gives me because i got a full-out EYE-ROLL from one of the baristas back in denver for asking for just one pump of vanilla syrup like sir please 😭 if you give me bitter coffee i'll start crying in front of god and everybody and that will be a situation you simply can't handle.

speaking of annoying baristas i saw this tiktok this morning while i was waiting to board and it essentially confirmed that i am never going to willingly humiliate myself at a hipster coffee shop. like imagine being made fun of for wanting ice in your coffee i just can't. the comments are all like "and this is why starbucks is outselling y'all" or whatever and it's so true tbhhhh like why has every barista besides my aforementioned worst enemy who i'll never have to see again been so nice to me! YES i will continue to spend unnecessary amounts of money for big corporations i'm sorry but it's true

anyway i'm thinking that i might switch from PSLs over to caramel lattes completely because i noticed that the starbucks at my school uses pumpkin spice sauce whereas the one down the street (that i'm definitely going to frequent more often because everyone is so fucking openly gay it's hilarious...) uses a powder and i absolutely 100% prefer the latter because i can actually TASTE the pumpkin spice... with the sauce it just tastes like Coffee, and if i add caramel to the PSL it literally just tastes like a caramel latte which is less expensive anyway. or maybe my tastebuds are already so fucked up that i can only discern Extremely Sweet from Extremely Bitter but i haven't started that grieving process yet so please do not inbox me about this.

++ i'm also obsessed with the way baristas will see "extra caramel drizzle" on an order and will proceed to literally coat the cup in caramel AND THEN add more drizzle on the whipped cream itself. like guys thank you so much for reading my mind i wasn't going to ask if that's how that worked but You Just Get Me. i seriously am not kidding in the slightest when i say i need my coffee to be sweet as shit like every cup i drink is the literal personification of diabetes and i'm already considering Never Going to Starbucks Again because of it LMAOO 😭😭😭 LIKE IT'S JUST TOO MUCH. but yes the drink i had today (first one on the favorites list) literally had me going 😮 because the mixture of whipped cream and the SHEER amount of drizzle the barista added on top of it made me realize it tasted exactly like french vanilla ice cream... and then i proceeded to down it all within fifteen minutes while cramming an assignment in so tbh it did its job.

but when it comes to doing its job i'm like 85% sure coffee does nothing for my energy... even when i forced myself to drink unsweetened ones i'd be like "hm. where the FUCK is the caffeine in this shit?" because it doesn't give me energy in the SLIGHTEST. now i'm thinking there's several reasons for this one alongside the migraine discussion that i said i was going to get into.

when you're a nursing student and a virgo venus but can't figure out your own health in the slightest 💭

1. the most glaringly obvious reason is probably the fact that i literally have adhd... but the thing is coffee has only made me tired once or twice? like that's the thing. i don't actually get super exhausted drinking coffee in the way people who have adhd say they feel (not that this takes away from the fact that i DEFINITELY have adhd) and that might be because my chronic fatigue has me existing at a base level of Always Tired anyway so i'm just used to it. that being said when i do get tired i get so ridiculously exhausted i literally cannotttttt deal with life lol

2. i also feel like the sugar intake from coffee has balanced itself out in my life because even though i definitely consume an unhealthy amount of sugar within my coffee i also just generally consume A Lot of Sugar anyway... not to get into my super americanized diet but yes i'm literally girl who would rather eat just sweets rather than full meals, healthy or not healthy... LOL the day i go on a sugar detox is the day i might actually die but i plan on doing one soon! once i get out of this starbucks fix of course.

3. i have chronic migraines which is soooo fun and sexy of me etc etc i know you don't need to tell me i'm hot ❤️ okay seriously though i assumed that coffee would have me dying of migraines as soon as i took a sip but that... hasn't really happened? what i've noticed is that my number of migraines has actually gone down like crazy, but the length of their Presence until they leave me the fuck alone has increased. for example (taken straight out of my bullet journal):

☀️ august:
# of migraines: 17
avg length: 8.3 hours
avg time of day they begin: 2:32pm
# of days spent with a migraine: 20

🍁 september:
# of migraines: 3
avg length: 16.45 hours
avg time of day they begin: 10:07am
# of days spent with a migraine: 7

this is honestly so strange to look at because in 2019 i averaged 16 migraines a month. 2020 isn't a reliable statistic to me here because we spent so much of 2020 at home (the average ended up being a solid 11 for the record though) and so when i looked back at my migraine calendar for september after i finished my monthly round-up post i was genuinely shocked to see i technically only had three... but because they lasted so long they ended up taking a whole week out of my month.

for context purposes it's important to note that i judge a length of a migraine by how long it lasts before i sleep—as in, if i don't wake up with a migraine the next day, i use the time i fell asleep as a cut-off save for two alternative scenarios, one being if i wake up at some point during the night with a migraine still present and the other being if i wake up the following morning with a migraine. i call those ones nightmare headaches if they aren't already classified as a migraine attack because it's the easiest way to give me clinical depression honestly like girl WHY are you still here!!! leave me alone. 😭😭😭😭

so Yes. on all three of these migraines i woke up the following day with it still persistent, and one of them it lasted an entire three fucking days—just an irritatingly consistent ebb and flow that refused to leave me alone. and i'm assuming that factors other than coffee were present (such as the fact that i'm actually dumb as fuck and will straight up forget to drink water, or the way my avg bedtime in august was 9:30pm but in september was 12am thanks to school + traveling) but i'll really have to watch over this. for one i've decided to look at my daily coffee intake as a new addition to things i'm keeping track of in my bujo (i'm seriously sidereal gemini moon virgo venus it's ridiculous) as well as what drinks and additions i'm choosing to fuck up my life for the day. wow this bit is unnecessarily long and i'm giving out information that could probably violate HIPAA for anyone reading this (joke) so i'll stop here. thanks for being privy to my coffee journey and supporting me guys

anywayyyy speaking of the starbucks down the street from my school i realized recently (as in today) that there's actually an entire fucking shopping center right behind my campus that i was seriously just not aware of in the slightest. i found out on complete accident because i wanted to know if there was one outside of the one on campus (because it's overpriced and generally not as high-quality for obvious reasons aka stressed college students are the baristas, though i do intend on spending more $$$ on it because my school includes like $300 in our tuition JUST for meals lol which is so annoying) and after following google maps blindly i realized my campus was literally like two minutes away from it. yes i'm fucking stupid... we Know this.

but there's a cute little old-school theater, a bunch of restaurants and a mall and it's overall super accessible + everyone in the area is really nice!! so i'm hoping i get to go there with a friend and/or my cr*sh at some point before winter hits :]

generally am happy to be back home because i actually ended up despising colorado... firstable i totally forgot denver and aurora are at high altitudes and it took three nosebleeds for me to fucking realize T__T but in general it's suuuch an ugly state to me!! inherently depressing to live in colorado imo... in comparison minnesota is so lovely and green and actually has recycling bins around so i can do my duty as a citizen to the #environment... like LOL not that i'm a fan of minnesota or anything but colorado gave me a realizashun that the spring/summer/fall months here are actually beautiful.

i've also gained an intense appreciation for how pretty my college campus is because the medical campus we were on for our clinicals was umm... well it felt very industrial which was such a strange experience idkkk i'm used to green! and my campus is literally as close to cottagecore tumblr aesthetic as you can get

like idk the energy of my campus is really lovely and quiet and NICE and of course this means the nightlife is essentially nonexistent but it's fine because we're closer to other campuses + that's sort of expected when you're attending a private all-girls catholic school i guess 😐 like everyone has boyfriends in the co-op campus nearby and it's like sooo obvious who's straight vs. closeted vs. openly out and all the openly out people refuse to acknowledge everyone's existence which is actually understandable so it's okay but it means the social atmosphere is pretty much dead if you aren't a hijabi. but yeahhhh the university i used to go to was wayyy bigger (like, i'm talking small city, 36k people) and was such a huge party school like i'm pretty sure it was ranked no.1 out of both minnestoa and wisconsin so it's such a culture shock to me! but it's close by so i have a feeling i'll be heading there in order to experience Life lol!!!

also this is an all-girls school but i've noticed that there are a few guys taking credits here while attending whatever college they come from and i heard they're trying to make it co-op too which would be really embarrassing for them because they're super annoying about trans women being let in and it's just like. seriously? you guys fucking suck lol. but anyway

getting used to life again is going to be strange because i'm definitely someone who bases their experiences and daily mood off of their environment and it takes me a While to get used to things which is why traveling tends to be an uncomfortable experience to me despite me loving it so much LMAO... so i'd basically gotten used to my daily routine in colorado and then boom we flew back. idk why i had to be born with the combination of a fixed sun/rising and a cancer moon like this is literally self-oppression when you think about it tbh. i'm literally guy who needs my own space and takes forever to get used to things LOL

also experiencing legitimate WITHDRAWAL symptoms over being with my family again and not sharing a hotel room with two girls i'm currently obsessed with? i kind of knew it would hit but yesterday i realized i was hashtag yearning so hard it actually killed my mood to the point where i assumed i was just having a depwession day which is both extremely funny and really embarrassing + NEW because i'm nottttt the type to get attached... but here i am with an awful crush and also a friendcrush on these two people. i said this on priv tl last night but we genuinely refuse to hang out with other people now that we've found each other and anytime we are in a larger group one of us ends up being like "ummm... okay guys can we leave this is not vibes" and it's hilarious because we're literally three extroverts but i personally love it as Extrovert who Doesn't Get Close to People!

(tw: vague death mention) and not to be sadfeeling on dreamwidth dot org or anything but it's nice to have friends i feel a genuine connection with because this past year has been super hard after losing two of my best friends + cutting a lot of my old friend group off once i realized they never actually gave a shit about me once they were gone :')

and i have severe trust issues just like any other scorpio rising bitch so i feel like i'm treading soooo freaking carefully with these new connections hence why i only actually consider myself friends with four people right now despite meeting so many. but my tarot cards are like "amal you seriously need to stop because this is not sexy behavior in the slightest" so i'm trying to release and work on that shadow of mine but it's quite hard for obvious reasons. and i keep having to catch myself after i'm like "okay don't text them or you're annoying" because they're always like "omg i was wondering when you would text" and i'm always like damn... i saw a twitter thread from someone talking about their relationship and how they would be like "i bet you secretly hate me" among other toxic statements @ their partner and their partner would respond with some variation of "do you realize how mean you're being when you say that?" — i'm deactivated so i won't look for it now but i think i bookmarked it so maybe when i reactivate i'll add that in.

but the point is that thread ^ had me realizing that in a sense we all view the people around us as lesser selves not in the sense that we oppress them in our heads or anything but that we assume their feelings for them, which is a natural psychological type of judgment that makes us human, but it really can be so damaging to our rlships in the long-run. paranoia is unavoidable especially if you have past trauma regarding the situation at hand but i feel like we really need to get out of this feedback loop of telling ourselves x person thinks x thing about us... it's way easier said than done but still relevant!!

anyway depression aside, wish me luck for the rest of the semester + cutting this coffee fix before it turns into a full-blown addiction! currently have three hours until my 6pm-9:30pm class and i'm genuinely considering a nap because i got home so early in the morning. love you all 💛

Current Music: immune - jensen mcrae

unnecessary amounts of self-reflection time—this month was probably a solid... 8 out of 10?

when life gives you lemons... drink coffee? 💡💬

NAVIGATION

🍿 books, movies, tv & variety
🎸 music
✏️ writing
🏫 school
🌻 the vibes

🍿 books, movies, tv & variety

see how comfortable i am shoving all four of these into one section? that's how little media i consumed.

i actually didn't read a single fucking book, nor did i watch any tv (that's standard behavior for me though tbh), nor did i pay attention to any particular variety and only gave a shit about a single survival show, so this is actually a list of things i'd like to get around to at some point. naturally because i'm me this likely means i won't be touching them at all and will simply yearn from a distance while slowly absorbing information about aforementioned items on my wish list until i know enough about it to not be interested anymore. so basically if you see something on this list don't expect me to get around to it anytime soon

✅ things i actually did watch

shang-chi and the legend of the ten rings: i mean... i have to say that i don't really think while i watch movies hence why i'm more the type to write thinkpieces about books, so this movie was good to me despite having its own list of flaws and it's mostly because my brain was like "popcorn? check. bright lights and loud noises? check. adhd brain? sedated." — i wouldn't consider myself a marvel fan in the slightest even though i enjoy marvel movies. of course the thing that pissed me off about this movie is that the main character's sister was like "my brother abandoned me and i turned into a rich badass but i'm going to proceed to have absolutely no personality for the rest of this movie because i've done my part" like girl get yourself together goddamn the fuck is wrong with you?
black widow: i don't even remember half of what happened in this movie y'all imma be real... it was okay though. i only went cause my ticket was free lol
gp999: i don't think i've ever actually fully finished an episode of this show for the record but that's because they're too long for my brain to comprehend and simply DON'T include enough drama for me to really get through it all! that being said i plan on making a dw post about my thoughts on this show because well... it's certainly happening. any MYAH_FANS around here btw? listen i know she's literally babie and daughter and etc but her charisma is more believable than 90% of the girls on this show let's be real.

🔜 things i'd like to get around to within the century

📖 the iron widow

here

📺 squid game: i'm probably never going to watch this btw. but it sounds great
📺 sex education: i can't remember where i stopped on this show but ace has been livetweeting it and it made me realize i actually miss how weird and crazy sex ed is... i really hope i get back around to it at some point because i've seriously just been sitting here with a netflix account, Not Watching Anything
🎬 venom: let there be carnage: i heard this isn't a good movie. i'm still going to watch it though because symbiotes are hot
🎫 i-land s2: i'm literally guy who watched s1 of i-land in JUNE aka like two weeks after i got into enhypen so it's crazy that they're already planning to throw the gg one out there especially because they're openly and shamelessly allowing 09z to audition like... guys i can barely stand that niki is 05z and myah is 06z i seriously think i'll fucking pass out if idols nine years younger than me start doing their thing. it's too soon. i'm 21. i need to enjoy my fucking YOUTH. anyway if former gp999 contestant YOONJIAH decides to pop in alongside (probably soon-to-be former) contestent youngeun as kia's been theorizing (or fantasizing about? you get it. same thing it's neither here nor there) i may actually start screaming and crying. i have some Thoughts on how i-land s2 might play out but i'll save that for the gp999 post lol

i wish i could get over my silly inability to actually watch things because it's annoying! i'd love to sit down and understand what my friends are talking about instead of being likeeee "LOLZ! no clue. <3" but also i seriously can't watch things because i feel like i'm wasting SO MUCH TIME if that makes sense... Did you guys know the mixture of adhd and anxiety can kill 400 amaltheas at any given moment? because it's true.

it's why i can only watch movies in a theater tbh. even with tv shows i'm like, There Are a Billion Other Things I Could be Doing Right Now, even if one of the billion things is just like STEP ONE: fuck around on social media while stressing out over everything you actually have to do. one day i'll get over myself but it probably won't be today! or tomorrow! or any day for the rest of 2021!

🎸 girls we are literally kpop fans (music)

⚡️ TOTAL SCROBBLES: 3,091
⚡️AVG SCROBBLES PER DAY: 103

TOP ARTISTS

1. purple kiss (504)
2. stayc (378)
3. tomorrow x together (281)
4. stray kids (170)
5. itzy (145)
6. day6 (124)
7. red velvet (91)
8. enhypen (83)
9. iu (66)
10. ateez (53)
fromis_9 & nct dream basically tied with ateez (52)

TOP TRACKS

1. so why - pk (411)
2. stereotype - stayc (301)
3. lovesong - txt (153)
4. domino - skz (144)
5. queendom - rv (91)
6. wannabe - itzy (85)
7. zombie - pk (80)
8. i smile - day6 (77)
9. fever - enhypen (73)
10. lilac - iu (66)

actually a little speechless at how many times i managed to listen to hit song So WhY by up-and-coming rookie girl group Purple Kiss like what the hell went on for THAT to happen... seriously though it's SUCH a good song to me in that i can put it on repeat for hours and not get bored once. you WILL catch me lacking every time chaein starts the chorus off literally don't talk to me about it

my favorite girl groups (fromis_9, stayc, purple kiss and itzy) all came back this month which was a lot of serotonin for ME<3 but i'm so happy about fromis and stayc getting their first wins. music show wins aren't important etc etc but fromis have seriously been fighting in the trenches for their fucking LIVES for how fucking long now guys i really can't believe it. and THEY'RE SO TALENTED TOO IDGI!!! T__T anyone reading this needs to stan fromis if they don't as soon as possible or i'm going to die right now—just be like perfect kani who i care so so bad. btw i can't even remember if i discussed this in my august round-up but pledis taking over fromis so far has actually been pretty good like they have a WEVERSE... a way to COMMUNICATE with them in case they get thrown back in the dungeon... that's crazy. gotta settle for the bare minimum but i just hope it's actually consistent :') knowing pledis though... well we'll just have to wait and see.

ateez also had a comeback but i seriously don't care for deja vu like... at all. and even though i prefer eternal sunshine by far, i'm generally just disappointed by what atz gave us this time around, and the only song i really truly enjoy is rocky (which feels like hit song WIN 2.0 yfm). i don't think any of the songs are necessarily bad but both deja vu and eternal sunshine don't feel like proper title tracks at all... and the album didn't even come CLOSE to the fireworks one.

it's fine though! you know why? because we got this:

when ur boyfriend is a girlfriend and a boyfriend and a milf and a girlfriend and a

LIKE WE HAD TO SACRIFICE SO MUCH (read: san and wooyoung) TO GET THIS... he's so beautiful we seriously need to start being SEONGHWAFANS... speaking of woosan why did kq do them like that 😭 it's still so embarrassing to me what the hell especially after san pink hair and wooyoung's gender moment... LMFAOO i can't. making san look like a little boy while he's turning into satan's nephew on stage is a hatecrime i may never get over especially when he's given us other amazing hairstyles like wonderland/answer. baby i'll get you out of there keep breathing if you need help

i don't remember most of the comebacks that happened this month actually. but these are my rankings for the albums/title tracks i listened to this month:

1. HIDE & SEEK — Purple Kiss (title track: zombie)
2. STEREOTYPE — STAYC (title track: stereotype)
3. LO$ER=LO♡ER — TOMORROW X TOGETHER
4. NOEASY — Stray Kids (title track: thunderous)
5. Talk & Talk — FROMIS_9
6. Crazy in Love — ITZY (title track: loco)
7. 1/6 — SUNMI (title track: you can't sit with us)

girls... WHY did purple kiss achieve amal-tier AOTY within their first comeback.

i'm actually surprised at how well this album works out (ftr my rankings are so why >> zombie > cast pearls before swine > twinkle > 2am > zzz) because i wasn't super impressed with their debut—ponzona is a boring song to me (in fact i haven't listened to it since it came out xx) and the only song i still listen to is skip skip. so it feels GOOD that they have a solid sound within this comeback with an EXTREMELY catchy title track that i'm in danger of blasting and singing along to at any moment. tfw you can't wait to get home so you can play kpop in your car... :sobs: we're really in it now i'm never going to be free of this disease

i also like that it feels as though pk are following in oneus' footsteps with the no diggity to black mirror / ponzona to zombie-bie-bie-bie pipeline parallels YKNOW... not to compare them because i feel like purple kiss will hopefully be more famous than oneus are currently (no offense guys but this is just pure manifestation i need everyone to see the power yuki holds) but what is up with rbw groups and their flawless fucking discogs. anyone else thinking about ONEWE? they're insane.

i also enjoyed stayc's album SO MUCH? like i mean that's probably obvious because i listened to stereotype over 300 times but i think slayc are really slaying. it's been forever since i've seen a group with vocal colors that blend perfectly altogether, because even with purple kiss i'm like: Some of you stand out way too much and need to STOP singing after dosie because it's jarring. but slayc and fromis? the vocals are HARMONIOUS. chef's kiss actually. (are the SLAYC DYNAMIX nearly as good though...? minus sumin/sieun and seeun/yoon/isa triangulating aka why_is_isa_the_third i cannot provide you an answer for this that would be friendly.)

anyway my stereotype album ranking is definitely stereotype > i'll be there > slow down > complex. complex is a song i haven't listened to much tbh. actually i just checked and i've listened to it 7 times throughout the past month which is like Ok it probably shuffled but i still like it i promise... sorry but i'm literally just guy who can't get over i'll be there's isa/sieun chorus like YOU'RE KIDDING ME. i like that they let the "softer" vocals of stayc have their moment! like yes jayoon can kill those high notes with her power vocals and awful hairstyles but she's ALSO versatile enough to do her own thing in lower tones alongside sumin and yeeun and i like that a lot. it's just vibes

wrt loser=lover — absolutely top 5 kpop songs of the year, but at this point i'm honestly so detached from txt that it took me a while to get around to listening to it in the first place. and stray kids' album was okay, but definitely not my favorite thing from them. domino and ssick definitely take the top spots for me! idk it wasn't a particularly memorable comeback but that's probably because i'm seriously sick of skz doing some weird racist shit every few MONTHS at this point i can't believe i used to be a shooter for bang chan in 2019 like that's a level of self-disrespect i hope i'll never hit again (< guy who makes jokes about heeseung saying nigga). but also KFLKDSJFLJWELJF I'M STILL A LINOFAN 😭 it's called hypocrisy and only i am allowed to practice it.

itzy's comeback was um... it was okay. the bsides are definitely better. and sunmi's was also okay but i hope she never raps again that shit was embarrassing as hell to listen to. idec if she saw the hate she was getting like NOT EVERYONE CAN RAP AND THAT'S OKAY!!!

enhypen comeback soon btw. which like

WE GENUINELYYYY HAVE NOT HAD ENOUGH TIME BTWN ENHA_COVID_ERA AND ENHA_COMEBACK_ERA... i mean (as aforementioned sunny later pointed out) i know they're literally athletic young men but the turnaround time was so fast that i simply forgot they even got sick in september despite the last member being confirmed healthy like... what. two weeks ago? i don't even know man. i had to think so hard last night because i was like "well there's no way it happened THIS month... but it probably wasn't early august... Wait oh my god." that being said i'm excited for the comeback and i hope they stay healthy!!

scylla concept photos are my favorite for the record... legitimately kinda disappointed that they chose odysseus as the main one but i guess they wanted to stick to the summer vibe despite it being OCTOBER 😐 like exercise some common sense if you're going to delay the comeback so that it's closer to halloween than Actual Summertime let the concept photos reflect that... but maybe i seriously just have scylla_jungwon-itis because he's so beautiful in that green they put him in. AND SUNOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND NIKI!!!!!!!!!! shaking and sobbing as we speak.

wow i literally only talked about kpop. that's fine i barely listened to non-kpop anyway somehow. i forayed into caught a viiiibe babie are u comin for the riiiide but then i realized the original song actually fucking sucks and also why is willow's family like that? girl who doesn't know shit about western celebs: LOLLL JADA SMITH IS SO WEIRD GUYS... anyway that's enough for this section.

✏️ writing

AKA... lack thereof because fic-wise i didn't post anything besides ch2 of solar return and that was literally on september 1st so it's been a whole month. and like i understand that a lot of people are used to Taking a While but that could not be me i'm seriously just someone who likes to post quickly and be done with it and this fic idea is something i genuinely love to talk and think about, so hopefully as i get settled into school/come home from my trip i can get ch3 out :') i'm okay with taking some time on it though because well. i started school. so.

i've also had other fic ideas that i want to work on, but for some reason being inspired enough to want to write has been hard? idk why i'm saying 'fsr' it's because i'm stressed and tired 😭 fr out here like "how can i POSSIBLY write fic when i have to write an essay for my freshman-level theology class!!!" like girl first of all you are in a class with mostly first-years so shut the fuck up. second of all... shut the fuck up.

i want to write so much though. i'm thinking something for kinktober tbh like there's definitely no way in hell i'd be able to do multiple prompts, but hopefully it'll be a good way to ease my brain back into writing nsfw stuff? not that i necessarily want to stick to JUST writing hornyfic again the way i used to for a solid few months earlier in the year but i just think... jay and jake—[I'M SHOT] well you get my point. there are Thoughts that need to be put into fic.

au-wise i have a whole list of shit i'd love to get around to within the century. idk why but i'm just so obsessed with pjo enha au right now thanks to the current comeback vibe and like i knowww being into percy jackson as an adult is literally cringe and etc but i can't help it. i feel like pjo aus are super unreliable because everyone thinks their own opinion on godly parents is the correct one but i'm here to prove you all wrong with the simple fact that i'm actually the only correct person ever:

when no one understands that sometimes a reader has to be wrong so that i can continue to be right

heeseung: aphrodite
jay: athena
jake: poseidon
sunghoon: ares
sunoo: demeter
apprentice of hecate ^
jungwon: hades
niki: hermes

like what is there to say about this list... it's accurate it's real it provides for character development in some aspects (aka sunghoon_ares I'm Not a Fighter arc which is literally so frankzhang it's actually hilarious but i'm choosing not to unpack that for now). TBHHHH idk why i'm discussing this au like it's something i'm ACTUALLY going to write. because unless my reverse manifestation works it isn't going to happen. but it's fun to think about!

speaking of aus that must not be named i literally have a jakehoon dq9 au in here wherein sunghoon's a traveling minstrel and jake's a solitary ranger with like multiple wolf pets. and i'm going to be fully real with you guys that au is just there as a backdrop to copious amounts of hypothetical porn but it's also about the mental image of sunghoon in a dancer's dress because i'm psychologically ill. and the rightsunghoon of it all [i'm shot again] it's just... well i hope it writes itself someday.

tldr: i hope i post a fic and/or update solar return soon because this drought is driving the girls (me) crazyyyyy. i'm about to renounce my own writer status at this point!

dreamwidth-wise though i've definitely ummm posted quite a bit:

WELL. I GUESS WE KNOW WHY I DIDN'T WRITE FIC NOW

this is definitely collectively over 10k words especially bc the enha ship post was so fucking long and i'm just. GIRLLLL... i'm a dw user i can't help it. seriously though i think i'm enjoying this site especially now that i've moved accounts for reasons and i'm like. who is going to stop me from being unhinged!!!!! until i eventually die i'm going to continue being this way and you all have to deal with it.

in fact i have two extremely long posts in the works lol... one for my favorite tropes and one about vedic nakshatras for infodumping purposes and to help my fwiends out as we study essentially without resources because everything is biased and/or 1-dimensional. of course because i have so much school i might be slow on these! but that's fine i'm having fun and that's what matters :) [my hands, sick and tired of all the typing: Mother please take just one fucking break...]

🏫 school

from august monthly round-up:

THE RUMORS ARE TRUE: AMAL IS ON HER LAST YEAR OF NURSING SCHOOL❗️actually this is something so surreal to me still like &$&#$*#@ i can't believe it but i probably should start believing it because i've literally been in colorado for my nursing class FOR TWO WEEKS NOW. LOLLL IT'S JUST CRAZY TO ME

when i say i've been stressed for over a year and a half now trying to make sure i graduate on time i'm being fully serious. and for the record that isn't a worry that'll magically disappear—i still have to get a 78% or higher on all of my classes—but like... it just feels good to be at a point where i'm confident i can do well if i just Work Hard (a foreign concept to me but STILL!!) lol. which i guess subscribes to a capitalistic mindset but :/ i just want to move out. so... yeah.

anyway being in colorado has been interesting? and by that i mean extremely boring because there's not much to do unless you wanna do outdoorsy stuff of which i have no interest in because like. we're doing clinical rotations you are NOT gonna catch me slippin on a hiking trip both literally and spiritually yfm. lol so my daily schedule has consisted of getting coffee and either fucking around or attempting to get work done. what really makes life good is the fact that i'm not with my family (even though my mom's still being a pain in the ass<3)... such a breath of fresh air i'm seriously not ready to go back yet!

otherwise... i've got two essays and two quizzes to do this weekend 😅 should probably be doing that instead of typing this but i'd like to get it out of the way. i say this like i wouldn't just work on other dw posts if i didn't have this one to do

🌻 the vibes

like i said this month was an 8/10 and i'm like... kind of weirded out by how september went for me in general? like there were definitely downsides and i think that if anyone else had the month i had they'd rate it lower than an 8 but because i'm me aka girl who had the most stressful summer ever september was a full W for me TBH

this overlaps into the school section ofc but the fact that we get an in-person experience is really nice to me because well. i'm a senior who would like to experience normalcy for at least one semester—but that being said i'm still deeply worried we're going to go back online ofc especially because i literally got a contact tracing notification JUST YESTERDAY telling me i might've come into contact with someone who tested positive and it's just like damn 😭😭😭 not even a whole month without a covid scare? although tbh as i told koko i'm surprised we made it this far considering it's like three people to a hotel room and we're literally working in a hospital... screams it was bound to happen at some point. but that being said i got tested early this morning so i hope i'm in the clear :')

of course a majority of the reason as to why i want to stay in-person as long as possible is because i actually managed to make a shit ton of acquaintances and a couple of friends (labeled as such only because i have a #criteria for friendships lolz) because there's a pretty big somali + muslim + hijabi population at this school and all the bipoc here are focused on making SURE they don't make any white friends which is hilarious... like i realized this the other night but i also haven't made a single white friend yet and that's beautiful to me.

my entire travel group (consisting of 6 people in total) is somali and that's beautiful to me but there's already been enough drama to fracture us into two groups aka Hotel Room 1 and Hotel Room 2 LOLLLL i really like the two girls i'm with though. and like... well if you've paid any attention to my existence for the past few weeks you'll know about my AWFUL and mostly-mutual crush on one of the girls which is like &@$#JDJSLGHSLS i won't get into it today. just know i'm currently thinking of her as always❤️ But anyway.

it just feels great to have people i can RELATE to and TALK to without fearing i'm being too different or whatever like that is SUUUUCH a cringe emotion to express especially considering i can't see myself being friends with 90% of these girls in the long-term but damn. the friends i HAVE made have been great so far and that's nice to me!

also i briefly mentioned coffee in the school section and well...

everyone on friend tl: ohmagawd amal's new coffee fixation is SOOO CUTE 🥺🥺
me: SO BECOMING ADDICTED TO CAFFEINE IS ENDEARING TO YOU?

no but i've actually found a life hack to drinking coffee and it only took an entire 21 years of my LIFE to get around to this discovery. the life hack in question is literally just making my coffee as sweet as possible for the record so it's less of a life hack and more of a life destroyer and also i seriously need to stop drinking this nearly every day but... i can't. i almost considered getting it again yesterday guys my crush had to be like "GIRL WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" ldmslkjfwljwh. and for the record i got her into coffee too but she thinks i'm a piece of shit for liking it iced.

my order, you ask? [smiles nervously] grande iced vanilla pumpkin spice latte with extra caramel drizzle.

overall though i feel like i'm able to enjoy life a LITTLE more even if i'm still super stressed out lolz. praying for a negative result on my covid test, and a good october in general! i say this like mercury isn't currently retrograde in my 12th house but what can we do. at least it objectively isn't as bad as the six month aries mars retrograde we had last fall. find solace in the little things, my friends!

for now i'll be mourning the fact that my homoerotic shared_space 2wk trip with my crush and some other girl (JK I LOVE HER TOO) is coming to a close... it was good while it lasted.

happy spooky szn! :D

this is literally just me storing information so that i can go back to it whenever i need to instead of frantically looking through different apps (tfw you made an entire photo album just for enhypen's tropical vs. vedic charts LMFAO like girl you are literally insane. anyway). no notes or anything so if you're looking for explanations you won't find them here

planetary rulerships key:
🏡: domicile (planet is at home in this sign)
👑: exaltation (planet is not home at this sign, but is still comfortable/powerful)
⬇️: fall (planet is weak in this sign)
💔: detriment (planet suffers in this sign)

! extra note: vedic uses the sidereal method but separates into different nakshatras, aka subsections of each sign. each nak has its own ruling planet (i.e. hasta is in virgo, and its nak is ruled by the moon. mercury (which rules virgo) still has a heavier influence).

...

heeseung

tropical
rising guess: ??
moon guess: virgo

sun: libra (venus ⬇️)
moon: virgo (mercury) OR libra (venus)
mercury: retrograde libra (venus)
venus: virgo (mercury ⬇️) OR libra (venus 🏡)
mars: capricorn (saturn 👑)

sidereal

sun: virgo (mercury)
moon: virgo (mercury)
mercury: virgo (mercury 🏡)
venus: virgo (mercury ⬇️)
mars: sagittarius (jupiter)

vedic
rising guess: ??
moon guess: uttara phalguni

sun: chitra (mars)
moon: uttara phalguni (sun) OR hasta (moon)
mercury: chitra (mars)
venus: uttara phalguni (sun)
mars: uttara ashadha (sun)

jay

tropical
rising guess: aries
moon guess: leo

sun: taurus (venus)
moon: cancer (moon) OR leo (sun)
mercury: taurus (venus)
venus: taurus (venus 🏡)
mars: gemini (mercury)

sidereal

sun: aries (mars 👑)
moon: cancer (moon 🏡)
mercury: aries (mars)
venus: taurus (venus 🏡)
mars: taurus (venus 💔)

vedic
rising guess: ashwini
moon guess: pushya

sun: ashwini (ketu)
moon: pushya (saturn)
mercury: bharani (venus)
venus: krittika (sun)
mars: rohini (moon)

jake

tropical
rising guess: virgo
moon guess: pisces

sun: scorpio (mars)
moon: pisces (jupiter) OR aries (mars)
mercury: scorpio (mars)
venus: retrograde scorpio (mars 💔)
mars: libra (venus 💔)

sidereal

sun: libra (venus ⬇️)
moon: aquarius (saturn) OR pisces (jupiter)
mercury: libra (venus)
venus: libra (venus 🏡)
mars: virgo (mercury)

vedic
rising guess: mula (ketu) OR magha (ketu)
moon guess: purva bhadrapada (jupiter)

sun: vishakha (jupiter)
moon: purva bhadrapada (jupiter) OR uttara bhadrapada (saturn)
mercury: vishakha (jupiter)
venus: swati (rahu)
mars: chitra (mars)

sunghoon

tropical
rising guess: ??
moon guess: aquarius

sun: sagittarius (jupiter)
moon: capricorn (saturn) OR aquarius (saturn)
mercury: sagittarius (jupiter)
venus: scorpio (mars 💔)
mars: scorpio (mars 🏡)

sidereal

sun: scorpio (mars)
moon: capricorn (saturn)
mercury: sagittarius (jupiter)
venus: libra (venus 🏡)
mars: libra (venus 💔)

vedic
rising guess: ??
moon guess: dhanista (mars)

sun: jyestha (mercury)
moon: dhanista (mars)
mercury: mula (ketu)
venus: swati (rahu)
mars: swati (rahu)

sunoo

tropical
rising guess: libra
moon guess: taurus

sun: cancer (moon)
moon: aries (mars) OR taurus (venus)
mercury: gemini (mercury 🏡)
venus: gemini (mercury)
mars: pisces (jupiter)

sidereal

sun: gemini (mercury)
moon: aries (mars)
mercury: taurus (venus)
venus: taurus (venus 🏡)
mars: aquarius (saturn)

vedic
rising guess: hasta (moon) OR uttara ashadha (sun)
moon guess: ashwini (ketu)

sun: ardra (rahu)
moon: ashwini (ketu)
mercury: mrigashira (mars)
venus: rohini (moon)
mars: shatabhisha (rahu)

jungwon

tropical
rising guess: scorpio
moon guess: confirmed virgo

sun: aquarius (saturn)
moon: virgo (mercury)
mercury: aquarius (saturn)
venus: aries (mars 💔)
mars: taurus (venus 💔)

sidereal

sun: capricorn (saturn)
moon: leo (sun)
mercury: capricorn (saturn)
venus: pisces (jupiter 👑)
mars: aries (mars 🏡)

vedic
rising guess: anuradha (saturn)
moon guess: uttara phalguni (sun)

sun: dhanishta (mars)
moon: uttara phalguni (sun)
mercury: uttara ashadha (sun)
venus: uttara bhadrapada (saturn)
mars: ashwini (ketu)

niki

tropical
rising guess: leo
moon guess: aries

sun: sagittarius (jupiter)
moon: pisces (jupiter) OR aries (mars)
mercury: scorpio (mars)
venus: capricorn (saturn)
mars: retrograde taurus (venus 💔)

sidereal

sun: scorpio (mars)
moon: aquarius (saturn) OR pisces (jupiter)
mercury: scorpio (mars)
venus: capricorn (saturn)
mars: aries (mars 🏡)

vedic
rising guess: purva phalguni (venus)
moon guess: uttara bhadrapada (saturn)

sun: jyestha (mercury)
moon: purva badrapada (jupiter) OR uttara bhadrapada (saturn)
mercury: vishakha (jupiter)
venus: uttara ashadha (sun)
mars: bharani (venus)

facing the sun
pairing: sunoo/jake/sunghoon
word count: 3.1k
au: summer romance, polyamory, travelogue

"It takes two weeks for Sunoo to fall in love in San Diego, California."

Maybe it's Sunoo's fault for not noticing it earlier.

Maybe it’s Sunoo's fault for not noticing it earlier. As soon as the plane started its descent he scrambled to get his phone out of his pocket, pausing his music in favor of switching airplane mode off and smiling beatifically at his mom when she raised a disapproving eyebrow at him. Ever since then he’s been practically glued to his phone, save for when they entered the baggage claim area before the conveyor belt began its run-through and Sunoo turned around to see floor-to-ceiling windows and the sprawling San Diego landscape ahead of him.

“Oh my god,” he said, awed. “Mom. Those are palm trees.”

His mom laughed. “You could’ve seen them earlier if you paid attention.”

This is true. But the thing is, Sunoo hates airports. He loves to travel and can deal with even the longest of flights as long as he’s stocked up on snacks and has his headphones and a book with him. But to him, the act of being in an airport is inherently depressing. The process is long and arduous, and when they’d made it past security and his mom asked him to grab food before going to their assigned gate, the line for the single Korean restaurant there was so long and slow-moving that Sunoo nearly fell asleep standing up.

The process of getting from the airport to the hotel is just as terrible, if not worse because Sunoo wants nothing more than to take a long shower and sleep in a normal bed. That’s why he stays glued to his phone, texting his friend a picture of palm trees against the early afternoon silhouette when they make it through the skyway and down the steps to where the taxis are waiting. He alternates between closing his eyes and scrolling through TikTok on the relatively short drive to the hotel, and when they pull in he’s too focused on getting his suitcase out of the car and fixing his hair using his selfie camera to realize that, well.

“What the—” he squeaks, coughing awkwardly when one of the valet boys sends him an odd look. He turns to his mom, who takes her sunglasses off and hums her acknowledgement. “Mom! What the hell is this?”

“A hotel, sweetheart,” his mom says as she scrolls through her phone. “Are you going to come inside? The line for the receptionist is long, but you can sit in one of those couches.”

There are definitely couches. There are couches everywhere, which would be normal if the main floor wasn’t huge as shit with the most beautiful decor known to man. On either side of the main floor are spaces under open sky with identical bars and an impossibly long island that’s—“Is that on fire?” He whispers, horrified before he realizes it’s contained.

Everyone in line is dressed to the nines. In comparison, Sunoo feels like he shouldn’t even be allowed to even so much as look at this place with his sweatshirt and sweatpants. He gingerly takes a seat in the corner and gives someone staring at him a smile that he hopes doesn’t come off a grimace.

He really should’ve ran downstairs all those months ago when his mom asked him if he wanted to see what the hotel looked like, but alas. He’d been running on two hours of sleep at that point and told himself the surprise would be worth it.

Objectively, the surprise was a little too worth it. When his mom gestures at him to come over after twenty minutes of waiting in line, Sunoo nearly drops his suitcase in his haste to get over there, and the receptionist gives him a kind smile.

“You’re going to have your own room, Sunoo,” his mom says, handing him a keycard. When she catches Sunoo’s frown she explains, “All the doctors that chose this hotel will be staying on the top floor, and I don’t want you to have to be stuck with me, sweetheart. Is that good with you?”

Sunoo shoulders his backpack and tries to stifle his excitement at the idea of a hotel room to himself for two weeks. “Oh, absolutely.”

The receptionist laughs. “You’ll be on floor four, room 470,” she says. “Room service is available 24/7, but please notify us in advance if you’d like something overnight. The pool is on the sixth floor, alongside the spa and indoor gym. Breakfast every morning will be free for doctors, spouses and offspring in that area.” She points towards one of the open-sky areas. There’s a closed door at the very end that must lead to the restaurant, and Sunghoon’s stomach growls at the mere thought of eating what must be the high-quality food here. “Anytime you order food we will hold it for you down here or send it up to your room if you call. Your hotel will be cleaned out by the crew whenever you are absent so as to ensure privacy. Does that make sense?”

“That makes perfect sense,” his mom says, beaming up at Sunoo when all he can do is dazedly nod along. “We’ll go get settled in our room, thank you so much.”

“Would you like help with your suitcases?”

“It’s just two,” Sunoo says politely. “No worries.”

The receptionist nods. “Let us know if you need anything. We hope you have a lovely stay here!”

“Oh, I’ll have a lovely stay alright,” Sunoo hisses a few minutes later once they’re out of earshot, as they wait for the elevator. “Mom, you didn’t tell me this place was fancy.”

“I tried to,” his mom says lightly. “Do you like it, though? The hospital’s really outdone themselves this time, I don’t think I’ve ever been in a hotel this fancy. And to think the other one is even more high-end...”

“Is that even possible?” Sunoo wonders aloud as the elevator door opens with a ding. A family steps out and gives them polite smiles, and then they’re headed up to the fourth floor. “Wow. This feels like a fever dream.”

“It definitely isn’t one,” she says fondly. “Don’t let the shock ruin this trip for you.”

The elevator door opens again, and his mom urges him out with a promise to visit him later. For some reason, Sunoo feels a strange shock of vertigo as he starts walking down the hallway. Something about it feels a little like a sign.

When Sunoo agreed to go on a two-week trip to San Diego, California, he’d kept his expectations fairly low. The trip’s sole purpose was as a retreat for doctors, with all-day lectures that his mom didn’t look too excited for when she explained it to him. Honestly, the only reason why he said yes was because he didn’t want her to be alone.

He thought they’d get an average hotel, which was fine by him. Maybe he’d go out on a walk every so often and try some solo tourist-y activities, but otherwise his life for two weeks would look like this: sleeping in every morning, staying up late every night to watch TV and order room service, guiltlessly charging it to his mom’s credit card.

And, well—it’s not as though he plans on doing anything differently now just because he has his own hotel room. He’s pretty sure there’s an exponentially higher chance of him doing these exact things now that his only company will be himself. But when he goes downstairs to pick up the pizza he ordered as soon as he got settled in, he accidentally makes eye contact with another guy who smiles at him before walking over.

“Hey,” the boy says. He’s obnoxiously pretty, but his smile softens his features into something boyish and approachable. He’s taller than him, with appraising eyes and a blatantly appreciative gaze that makes Sunoo’s mouth go dry. “You’re kind of familiar. Have I seen you around?”

Sunoo decides holding eye contact with him is impossible after just a few seconds, looking away, but he finds himself replying, “Um, no? I think I would’ve recognized that face.” At this, the boy grins, clearly pleased, and Sunoo blushes. “Uh… okay, that kind of slipped out, but yeah. I’m not even from here.”

“Me neither, but I swear I could’ve…” he pauses before lighting up and exclaiming, “Oh! Are either of your parents doctors, by any chance?”

“Oh, yeah, my mom is,” Sunoo says, smiling. “You too?”

He nods. “Yeah, my dad’s here. Pretty sure I’ve seen you around at a banquet somewhere back home. My name’s Sunghoon. Yours?”

He marvels at the idea of possibly seeing this guy around and not noticing him. “Sunoo.”

“Nice to meet you, Sunoo.” Sunghoon leans in a little. It isn’t enough to make Sunoo uncomfortable but it’s enough to make him raise an eyebrow at the intent in his gaze. Sunoo wonders if he’s like this all the time, or if it’s just something in the Californian air. “Do you want to eat dinner with me and this other guy? We ordered way too much fried chicken from this expansive ass place. You can say no.”

Sunoo weighs the options in his head. He could attempt at making a friend or two—but maybe it’s too soon either way, right? There's very little permanence when it comes to the people one meets while they travel, even if permanence is kind of guaranteed with Sunoo being stuck at this hotel for two weeks, too.

Either way, he could hang out with this guy and whoever he's brought along, or he could go back to the safety of his hotel room once his delivery shows up. Which—“Oh, wait. I ordered food, too,” he says. “Pizza.”

“We can share everything,” Sunghoon says easily. “Unless you don't want to. Either way, the offer's on the table.”

Sunoo decides he likes Sunghoon. “Nah, I'll hang out with you guys,” he says, and Sunghoon gives him a sweet smile. “We'll share. Where are we going?”

Sunghoon points out to the open-sky area, and Sunoo realizes a boy is sitting at the long island table, watching them. When he notices they're looking back he waves them over excitedly. “We're gonna have a good time, yeah?”

Yeah. Sunoo wants that.

His delivery comes in as soon as Sunghoon starts walking over to the table so he tells him to sit down, that he'll come in a few, no I won't run upstairs, don't make assumptions about me. He knows nothing about Sunghoon but he can tell he's the type to tease, and it makes him blush despite himself even as Sunghoon relents and turns around to head to his friend. Or boyfriend.

With the way they're leaning into each other like the two of them are magnetized, Sunoo is tempted to say boyfriend. He asks unapologetically because it's hard to ignore the way he feels like he's third-wheeling as soon as he enters the open-sky area with his box of pizza and soft drink.

“Oh my god, no,” Sunghoon laughs. “This is Jake. We met—what, twenty minutes ago?”

Jake has an easy smile, a relaxed posture that contrasts the way Sunghoon holds himself like he has high standards. His Australian accent also comes as a surprise when he says, “Yeah. I bumped into him in the hallway just now, so—”

“Hey, wait.” Sunghoon frowns but there’s nothing real about it. With the way he’s leaning in to talk to Jake over the fire, Sunoo is pretty sure he’s trying to flirt. “Bumped is an understatement. You barreled right into me as I was turning the corner and I spilled my drink all over myself.”

“Which is why I offered to buy you dinner,” Jake points out. “So it’s working out, don’t you think?” He puts his chin in one hand and eyes Sunoo. “What’s your name again?”

Sunoo absentmindedly draws little patterns into the marble island. He doesn’t know how Sunghoon manages to lean in to catch Jake’s attention, firelight glimmering in his mischievous gaze. It’s much too hot. “My name’s Sunoo.”

“Sunoo’s a cute name,” Jake says. Sunoo wants to roll his eyes, but somehow he manages to make it sound sincere. “Sunghoon told me you're also stuck here while the adults do their medical stuff or whatever. Is this your first time?”

“Nope. I've been to Miami, Seattle, and—” Sunoo pauses to think. “Baltimore, but it was a long time ago. Nothing was quite like... this.”

“Right?” Sunghoon laughs. “My dad showed me pictures of the hotel and I was like, what the fuck? And it still didn't prepare me for anything.”

“I may have fucked up and refused to look at the hotel interior until we were standing right in front of it,” Sunoo admits, and Jake snorts.

“Oh, shit. That must've given you a scare.”

They quiet down once the delivery guy for Jake’s fried chicken shows up. With the glass containing the fire in the way, it's hard to maneuver all the food, but soon they're scarfing down overpriced chicken (for good fucking reason, Sunoo thinks deliriously, because this is maybe one of the best things he's ever eaten) and pizza.

It's easier to feel comfortable when they're all quietly eating, but he still feels prickles of nervousness when he catches Jake looking at him.

“Wait, I gotta know,” he pipes up. “How old are you guys? I'm 18.”

“I just turned 18,” Sunghoon says. “Like, three days ago.”

“Also 18,” Jake says.

Sunghoon looks deep in thought, staring down at his drink before he says, “So none of us can drink yet, then.”

Jake rolls his eyes. “I know we just met, but stop scheming. I don't plan on getting drunk during this trip, have you seen the nightclubs here? And this area is confusing as shit. I'd rather die.”

“You're a pussy,” Sunghoon says flatly before he turns to Sunoo. “What about you? Would you get drunk here?”

Sunoo shifts uncomfortably, trying to shove down the guilt already bubbling up. “I wouldn't get drunk, period. Sorry.”

Sunghoon’s eyes soften. “Hey, no, that's fine. It's just that literally half of the downtown area we're in consists of bars. We can still dine inside, of course, but it's gonna feel a little weird.”

“No one’s gonna look at us strangely for ordering regular soda,” Jake points out. “We don’t even look legal.”
Sunghoon looks offended. “The hell is that supposed to mean?”

Sunoo takes a sip of his Pepsi before he says, “You look… kinda legal to me. Like if you keep your straight face on all the time you’d look like a fully-fledged adult. But when you smile…”

“Yeah, I was gonna say that.” Jake honest-to-god giggles, and Sunoo can’t suppress his smile. “Your smile makes you age backwards at least ten years.”

Sunghoon flushes, but his lips are valiantly trying to twitch up. “That’s not my fault!”

“Of course it isn’t,” Jake laughs. “But it wouldn’t help your case, either.”

Sunghoon rolls his eyes. “So no alcohol, then.” He eyes the two of them carefully. “Do you guys have plans with your families for the two weeks?”

Sunoo swirls his straw in his drink, looking at Jake, who shakes his head. “I’m here with my mom, and I’m an only child, so… nope. She’s giving me full independence of what I do but only because she probably thinks I’ll end up doing nothing.”

“Same here,” Sunoo says. He’s starting to feel that telltale thrum of anticipation, watching Sunghoon look back and forth between them. “I wasn’t planning on doing much, to be honest.”

Sunghoon stares at them incredulously. “What thef—you’re kidding, right? There’s no way you two planned to spend all of your time here in the hotel. I know it’s nice here, but still. There’s gotta be something you want to do.”

“Go to the beach?” Sunoo suggests.

Jake shrugs. “I mean, sure.”

Sunoo hums. “I guess there are other things to do here. Like the convention center. Or like… yeah, I don’t know.”

Sunghoon gapes at them. “So you two haven’t even looked up stuff to do here?”

“Nope,” Sunoo says, and Jake nods his agreement.

“Oh my god,” Sunghoon mutters, dragging a hand over his face. On the other end of the island a couple not-so-subtly watches them as they eat their own dinner, and Sunoo wonders how they look together to the average passerby. “Okay, okay, this is fine. I have a suggestion, actually.” He pauses, and Sunoo feels like it’s just for dramatic effect. “Why don’t we spend our vacation doing stuff. Like, together?”

Nervousness flutters in Sunoo's stomach as he stares at Sunghoon. “Wait, really?”

“I mean, yeah,” Sunghoon says. “Why not? It isn’t like we’re going to see our parents for long enough to do things with them, save for the weekend, right? My dad would be cool with it.”

Jake runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t think my mom would mind either, even though she’s kind of protective over me… but we’re in the downtown area, right? We should be good in terms of distance. And honestly, the only thing holding me back from doing tourist-y stuff is the idea of doing it myself.” He turns to Sunghoon, eyes practically sparkling in excitement. “What are your thoughts?”

Sunoo sucks on his straw, contemplating it quietly. He’s pretty sure a part of him made his decision as soon as he met eyes with Sunghoon, but the stubborn, cautious piece of him he’s used as a defense mechanism for years recoils, making itself known.

For one, he thinks, he’s known them for less than an hour. He’s great at making friends, but it’s a little strange under the current circumstances. And with the way Sunghoon seems a little eager for reckless behavior, a part of Sunoo isn’t sure if he can trust them.

But they’re mild concerns, when he dwells on it for long enough. Sunoo can take care of himself, knows when to put a foot down if he’s reached his limit. Jake feels equally as careful as him, and even Sunghoon seems disciplined. What could go wrong? Many things, maybe, but Sunoo is a little tired of constantly reassessing the pros and cons to every good thing that comes into his life.

But maybe that’s too deep. The simple truth: he wants to have fun. Sunghoon being devastatingly attractive, Jake being sweet and charismatic—those are simply bonuses that Sunoo won’t say no to.

“Why not, right?” He says with a nonchalant shrug that does nothing to betray how excited he actually is. Sunghoon grins and Jake whoops, clapping his hands together. “We’ll have to create an itinerary.”

( You're about to view content that the journal owner has marked as possibly inappropriate for anyone under the age of 18. )

(cr. tumblr)

so... here we are. several months into the_engine_life and i've decided to write a post on my thoughts and feelings on enhypen dynamics and where i hope some will go from here. before i start:

i'm fully aware that this post will be inaccurate within the next few months because that's how fast enha dynamics are growing. but honestly that's the point of this dreamwidth post... i'd like to keep track of how i feel on certain dynamics and how they're moving along!
inspired by sunny's post on their enha dynamic thoughts 💗
in order from favorite to least favorite

mini-key:
♥︎ romantic_shipping / ♥︎ platonic / ♥︎ i'm getting there

my top ten!

1. heeseung/jay(libra/taurus)

i literally think they're real [this is a joke] like have we SEEN these bitches! it shouldn't be a surprise that heejay have girlbossed their way to my favorite enha ship because... i'm not immune to predebut narratives, tender interactions and true introvert/true extrovert relationships. it's just... there's a lot of potential within their relationship and it makes me want to scream and sob and etc.

i could legitimately talk about them for years. it's about the loud sincere idiot / chronically insincere quiet but dorky Also idiot. it's the slight age difference and the way jay clearly looks up to heeseung. it's the fact that while heeseung tends to idolsona-fy himself whenever possible, any mention of jay WILL get him soft... despite his "insincerity" (tfw you're gay and can't express your feelings so you have to resort to teasing your crush like you're still in middle school... it's okay heeseung i understand ❤️). it's the fact that they're marri—[coughs] anyway.

i also constantly think about that one cc about how heeseung is just. Baby AF around jay (you can find the cc in my cc archive somewhere. at least i think i threw it in there) AND IT'S TRUE!!! eldest hyung/second eldest hyung who cares after eldest hyung is a dynamic so real and genuine and personal to me like GIRLS we need to get on the heejay train IMMEDIATELY. they're soft they tease each other they went on a trip that cost thousands of dollars together like what else is there really. if you aren't shipping heejay then where the fuck you aaaat! for real though. where the fuck ARE you

right now i consider them the closest in enhypen for obvious reasons... and i like that they're close enough to not have to constantly interact. despite that, their heart-to-hearts and general [says things that totally-straight-no-homo bros typically do not say...?] dynamic is so sweet and genuine and in-my-face that... yeah it's a little personal. what about it!

2. sunoo/jay (cancer/taurus)

sorry let me just [SCREAMS] okay thanks. just needed to do that rq

i'm ranking sunjay as no.2 but that's only because i want there to be no ties in this specific list. that being said they're also number one and yes i'm a jay multishipper what are any of you going to do about it... exactly.

sunjay are TRULY the "WHAT THE FUCK WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?" dynamic in enhypen which TBH is saying a lot because so many enha dynamics have just been... surprising and out of the blue? at least for me. i think sunjay are the pinnacle of this though because they've shown so much growth since i-land and their first vlive together and all those awkward moments where anyone with eyes could tell they had no idea how to act around each other.

like... sunjay are opposites but they're Not opposites. they're similar but they aren't. they have such wildly different ways of expressing themselves that can be tied back to the same purpose of just wanting to be themselves and they both have a lot of ambition that makes them take on similar mindsets on how to achieve what they want... and you ever think about the way they clearly seem to be taking advice from each other because two overthinkers in the same room can be therapeutic! sometimes all a water sign needs is an earth sign to keep them steady. sometimes all an earth sign needs is a water sign to get them to release all their pent-up emotions.

astrology aside, i also adore the way jay seems to lead and take care of sunoo more and more with each interaction... and the pure admiration sunoo has for him is so sweet. you ever think about sunjay_first_vlive when sunoo was like "i wanted to pick out clothes but jay just did it for me" and how sunoo gave jay his curiosity lab coat to wear during their second vlive and the fact that they're 100% a relationship born out of the power of circumstance because... while i-land was deeply formative to me as a sunjayist, knowing that they weren't close back then and were both Fully Aware of That definitely changed my perspective on their interactions within the survival show. but it's the fact that after spending so much time together—as idols, in the same dorm, hanging out, at school and even in the same fucking class—becoming friends and starting that process of getting closer and understanding each other was absolutely inevitable.

it also just makes me really happy to see sunoo vibing with jay because we obviously know that sunoo is the member with the slowest-growing relationships in enhypen due to being one of the new trainees among other things. the fact that jay is slowly taking him under his wing despite his blatant heewon(+niki) favoritism makes for such a sweet dynamic for me to watch... oh my god i just love them T__T

3. jake/niki (scorpio/sagittarius)

[pulls yunki out of my pocket] if anyone hurts these brothers i'm killing everyone in this room and then myself this is not a joke. yunki truly have the most PRECIOUS brotherisms to me and i'm just...!!! i'm going to be fully real with everyone reading this: i've teared up over their interactions. yup. i have. it's embarrassing but true except i'm not actually embarrassed.

there's a lot of genuine and mutual admiration between those two that LEGIT makes me emotional because as a niki_lover i'm so glad that he gets to be himself within enhypen while having older brothers that love and take care of him, and i love yunki in particular because jake is constantly just. looking out for him. i picked up on it even when i was watching enhypen&hi s1 because whenever they played a game jake would IMMEDIATELY try to make sure that niki knew what was going on and he'd try to make it easier for niki and i just... T__T this plus the way niki so obviously loves babying jake despite jake quite literally being like "i raised him on my back" [< is only three years older than niki] IT'S JUST!!!&!$&&@*$*$*%@*GMSKBSHGHWHF i feel like crying. THEY'RE PERFECT!!! don't talk to me.

but what makes them my absolute favorite brother dynamic in enhypen is their shared foreign background. jake being from australia and having 9 months of training vs niki being from japan and having ~1 year(?) of training is like... well they were both new and are also the members that i think managed to seamlessly merge into bighit line (with sunoo being the outlier—just objectively. it's taking him a little longer and that's absolutely okay!) but the fact that they come from different places and spent their entire lives in said places before they decided to pursue their dreams in korea and away from their families and friends just adds such a good element of found familyisms to their dynamic that actually makes me emotional. whenever jake talks about how he wants to visit niki's hometown and see his family i feel like crying... they're so sweet i can't

despite this the added layer of hilarious rivalry spices their dynamic up. like i am OBSESSED with the way they butt heads over who's better at soccer... it's literally so fucking funny like please boys it is NOT that deep you're both good and also 💗adorable💗 whenever you argue like that. [sniffles] i am so fuckign fond of these idiots!

last thing: i'm glad jake has niki. i think jake's a little allergic to sincerity in that he defaults to laughing at everything even if he doesn't find what's being said/done funny + gritted-teeth-smiling through little white lies to make the people around him happy + etc... and i also think niki's the exact opposite. it's always good to have someone who doesn't give a shit about faking it til he makes it, even if said Truthful Idiot is annoying and a sagittarius and also literally 15 years old... but it makes niki's love and adoration over jake that much more refreshing and apparent and i know jake appreciates it a lot with the way he plays with him and reciprocates 1000%!

tldr: 🥺😭💗💗

4. heeseung/jake (libra/scorpio)

these two act like they're high school catholic school boys looking for a single chance to either run away together or find an empty stairwell to make out on and it's disgusting. it for real makes me homophobic. god i love them so fucking bad

they have a really sweet relationship to me? i think they're still tentatively navigating each other because that's what happens when you throw two awkward teenage boys in a room and tell them to get to know each other but that's also exactly why they're such an endearing friendship to me. jake and heeseung want to know more about each other so much and it's really obvious. and i looove that jake is so very obviously a little enamored with him because the way he makes clear efforts to take care of heeseung + do things for him + find ways to hang out with him is literally theeeeeeee cutest thing in the world to me. the fucking DEFINITION of puppy love.

heeseung definitely plays the bighit_line_favoritism card WAY less than jay does (though i think he does so more than jungwon but it's quite difficult to try beating an aquarius in this regard lmao...) and i think it shows in the way he clearly reciprocates jake's affection even within the "heeseung likes jake but loves jay" narrative. like... obviously a part of this is due to the mathyung expectation (Being Attentive and Taking Care of Your Bros) but i feel like heeseung exists in a spectrum outside of that expectation compared to the eldest members of other groups i've seen where it's obvious that he doesn't like the pressure of being looked up to and takes a backseat role in driving dynamics. i'm not saying he DOESN'T take care of enhypen because he absolutely does lol but imo, he's definitely a lot more of a hands-off person.

because of that i think heejake become a little more "special" in my eyes where like... i can acknowledge that heeseung really does just Like jake a lot. he appreciates him openly and the way they constantly get stuck in a loop of praising each other because they're both shy idiots who can't take a compliment makes for such a warm fuzzy vibe that i [jay voice] actually want to fucking throw up looking at them... it's so much at once! i love them.

5. jake/sunghoon (scorpio/sagittarius)

ah yes the unrequited love ship or whatever. i've said this before but i'm quickly becoming tired of that narrative so i'm just going to talk about my own take on them lmao. jakehoon were my ults at first when i got into enhypen—jake is actually the entire reason why i'm into enhypen in the first place because i've never been immune to cute idiots, and i'd already known about sunghoon beforehand so it was SO easy to look at them together and go "oh my god i think they're in love".

first of all i'm just so obsessed with the idea of famous olympics hopeful park sunghoon taking one look at jakeshim during i-land and going "YES THIS IS THE ONE!" immediately...? like, it's just so fucking funny. there's something about the normalcy of jake's entire existence and upbringing vs the way sunghoon's entire childhood obviously focused on standing out and being the best in order to make it to the olympics and the way they both come crashing together to form this weirdly mutual puppy love wherein jake's like "yep that's my #bestie #soulmate" and sunghoon's like "this is the one person who means everything in the world and more. i would do anything for him. any tongue that rises against him shall fall by my hand" like DO YOU GET THE VISION.

i think jake's general allergic-to-sincerity mindset leaves people a little confused about jakehoon because when it comes to his relationships sunghoon is clearly the exact opposite... the guy can't shut up about friendship and teamwork and family and ETC and honestly, you know what? i get it. imagine being friendless your entire life in favor of childhood_athlete_tunnel_vision and DISCIPLINE and all that and then meeting a boy who is simply Just a Boy. i'd fall in love with him too! and in contrast i think jake is simply okay with being around sunghoon... i don't really get any feelings of discomfort from him that i've seen people talking about lol? he just seems happy to be there. and i think it's a dynamic that will eventually balance out because imo, jake just needs to get comfortable with being wholly genuine within his group dynamics. i really do think jakehoon are cute though. there's just... there's something there for real.

also, keep in mind that jake was the one to call jakehoon soulmates as well as come up with their unit name... shaking and sobbing and yelling and etc.

6. sunoo/jungwon (cancer/aquarius)

okay i list these two as platonic but keep in mind i definitely see romantic_shipping potential with them if they continue developing the way they have... anyway my thoughts on them are basically: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭!!!!!!!!!! Don't speak to me.

sunwon are seriously SO cute. like who the FUCK allowed them to be as cute as they are it's sick. i constantly forget that they aren't the same age so whenever i hear jungwon calling sunoo hyung i lose my mind because they really do act like same-aged besties and obviously a lot of that can be attributed to the fact that sunoo is the only enhypen member who doesn't go fucking balls to the walls insane over jungwon's natural cutiefulness and etc. like, he's fond of jungwon but in a way that doesn't show itself NEARLY as often as other members do. sunoo views jungwon as just a guy he can vibe with and it makes for a really nice and quiet chill dynamic that speaks to the semi-awkwardness of getting to know someone with a completely different personality than you, and all the vibey moments that come along with it :]

i kind of classify both sunwon as introverts despite them TECHNICALLY being extroverts and it's because sunoo is really only the type to talk a lot when he's within a small group/talking to someone one-on-one/by himself (and also pretty sure he's said he's shy with new people among other things...) and jungwon is the type to prefer listening rather than talking (especially about himself? at least that's how i see him. like he'd prefer to be a little reserved around everyone lol) so i do think there's some slight incompatibility there but the fact that sunoo is DEFINITELY closest with jay and jungwon + has specifically mentioned jungwon and sunghoon as the members he feels closest with at one point shows that they're slowly getting over that mini-barrier. i really do love their interactions a lot because the vibes of overexcited kimsunoo and relatively calm/quiet yangjungwon... the sun/moon of it all what can i say! also did anyone see them during the recent episode of en-o'clock... i'm literally going to die. WHY ARE THEY GETTING MUSHIER BY THE DAY??? sunoo volunteering to go with jungwon and jungwon immediately like "okay i can do it now :D" i'm literally going to start crying right fuckifghwnow. anyway,

7. jay/niki (taurus/sagittarius)

why is niki kind of in love with this loser earth sign idiot fashionistadol. IT'S SO... it's actually sick. jayki have such a precious bond and it's one that seems to be mutually helpful considering it hasn't just been niki talking about things jay has done for him—jay's also talked about how much niki's presence helped him out during i-land, etc.

out of everyone in enhypen i think jay and niki have the strongest energy when it comes to just like... being honest? i think they're two very heartfelt people even if they hide behind teasing others sometimes. jay... jay is just like that i'm not even going to get into him or i'll start screaming. niki is clearly just a kid who WILL be openly displeased when he doesn't vibe with someone/something and combining the two of them is hilarious because it's just like... brothers? yeah. their natural honesty/sincerity makes them such a good vibey dynamic to watch when they're doing vlives together because it's obvious that niki trusts jay and that jay takes care of niki so well... i love it so much.

also not to be someone who's love language is looking out for other people + acts of service but i'll just never get over the fact that jay invited niki to his place for christmas break knowing niki would probably be alone otherwise. it's literally just... such a sweet thing to do T__T i definitely see the found familyisms within jayki as well because i'm me and extremely predictable! and it's so sweet watching niki grow up with enhypen.

8. heeseung/sunoo (libra/cancer)

[nervous laugh] how the Fuck did we get here. i went from heesun anti (shipping-wise... do NOT lump me in with the actual heesun antis who hate the way heeseung talks to sunoo or whatever because that's the ultimate form of disrespect and i'll KILL you) to loving them and i won't even blame myself for this! it's literally THEIR fault. i've talked about heesun within a sunoo/hyungline dynamics post and the fact that literally none of those opinions are applicable or even CORRECT anymore is insane to me and yet another testament of how quickly enhypen's dynamics are growing.

heesun obviously started off really strong during i-land and i think it set up their predebut/early debut era dynamic really well with heeseung very clearly wanting to take care of sunoo while also being fond of sunoo's natural aegyo (and arguably also the way sunoo just goes about his day being the cutest and loveliest person ever<3) and then out of nowhere the two just straight up stopped interacting the way they used to and it was disconcerting to watch as someone who got into enhypen during drunk-dazed era and watched enhypen&hi s1 as their first enha deepdive series. like... i was so lost.

i don't even think it's a bad thing that they seemed to drift away from each other for a bit there though because that does seem like a natural course of events when you're making friends with an entire group of people? you can't expect to stay at the same level of closeness with EVERYONE if you're trying to get to know each person individually, and that combined with the way heeseung clearly decided to stop being a helicopter mathyung and took a backseat/stuck to jaykewon... well yeah i guess it's to be expected that heesun fell off for a little bit there. and i wasn't expecting them to climb back up AT ALL—at least for another few months lol—but then... sunoo's final curiosity lab vlive happened. and heesun apparently realized in real time, live in front of thousands of people, that they liked each other a lot and are apparently a lot more compatible than even they thought. and it was just like. WHAT IS GOING ON????

seriously cue me screaming in sunny's dms because i was so fucking dumbfounded by the way heeseung praised sunoo to the point where sunoo actually got emotional and teared up on a vlive series where he tends to wear his customer service smile like a second skin. it was baffling to the point where it took me several days after the vlive happened to realize that they suddenly came back alive again. and it was SO MUCH to process at once like... damn i'm so sorry for ever making fun of heesun as a ship honestly i will never speak bad about them again cause what the hell for real

anyway i think heeseung and sunoo are two people who tend to keep to themselves especially in larger groups. and i consider heeseung to be a super observant person so the way he picked up on things sunoo obviously thought no one would notice was incredibly fucking sweet to watch. he also seems to be fully aware that sunoo thrives off of praise so the way he used that to his advantage was just... so freaking cute? they seriously took on a heejake-esque feedback loop of prasing-the-other-person-because-i'm-SHY and it made me feel like something Deeply Transformational was occurring right in front of my very eyes. and now here they are in my top ten because i'm fuckifng insane and have lowkey been waiting for heesun to do something so i could be a deranged heesunjayist live on the tl and also on the dw because... there is something deeply wrong with me. yes ❤️

anyway i'm really hoping they continue this sudden momentum of interacting with each other because i think it would be super cute to see them grow! like... i hope they don't just die off again and go quiet. i think that vlive was a legitimately formative experience for the both of them and i think they're both fully aware of that lmfao. we'll see!

9. sunoo/sunghoon (cancer/sagittarius)

tbh, i don't have that much to say about sungsun! for the most part i ship them because they're my two biases (along with niki of course but who is stupid enough to ship niki with people in this day and age. certainly not me!) and are also visually the CUTEST duo ever! i definitely think that a lot of their interactions can be attributed to the way the staff/editors are clearly keen on shoving them together but i do enjoy that they seem to take it in stride and vibe with each other regardless.

tbh what really gets to me with sungsun is the fact that they're just so different as people. like out of everyone in enhypen i think sungsun best fit the opposites attract narrative because on one hand we have perfect_fruitydol sunoo who lived an objectively normal life as a kid and Had Social Skills and was super popular and posted one selfie a day on instagram just for funsies and to show off his natural beauty and whatnot, and on the other hand we have child athlete sunghoon who clearly decided to disregard things such as his childhood and also Friendship in favor of following what he thought was his lifelong dream. (what makes sungsun differ from jakehoon in this regard is that jake is so much more closed off than sunoo is when it comes to making friends.) because of this i see the two of them with a really good dynamic potential wherein sunoo teaches sunghoon about the joys of friendship whereas sunghoon teaches sunoo the joys(?) of #disciplining_oneself or whatever. the latter half of this we've already seen within the way sunghoon constantly promises to help sunoo out with his goals wrt exercising and keeping himself healthy... i actually really like that he's been vocal about helping sunoo because imo sunoo is the type to isolate when he has a lot of feelings about a particular thing.

also whenever sunoo "takes care" of sunghoon (i say this term in a VERY loose sense lmao) i feel like dying. there's just so much FUCKING potential with sungsun and i hope that they grow as a dynamic because i'd love to see them more. actually i didn't like them as a ship when i got into enhypen because i constantly saw the same bullshit about how sunghoon's SUCH an ice prince and sunoo is SUCH a dainty princess who needs to be taken care of or whatever but then i saw them bickering and lost my mind because i'm not immune to banter as flirting rlships and like. that doesn't really accurately represent sungsun as a dynamic imo because sunghoon is both the type to not think before he speaks and also poke at Everyone because he doesn't know how to show affection sometimes and also sunoo doesn't give enough fucks about sunghoon to get offended enough to poke back but like yeah.

"i don't have much to say" [says quite a bit]. #sorrynotsorry

10. jay/jungwon (taurus/aquarius)

YJW: who else gifts an air fryer to their best friend who loves cooking and clearly thinks food is a love language 🙋‍♂️

these two are so tender, so sweet, so stupid, so... so PERFECT. jaywon have a really lovely dynamic wherein they obviously care about each other and prefer each other over other members but in different ways and i think it's extra special within this pairing because jungwon's leaderisms and also natural aquarius sun/virgo moon default behavior is to treat everyone equally. because of that i think jaywon alongside heejay are both pairings where it's easy to perceive jay as being the one who "cares" more but imo all you have to do is watch a couple of videos to realize jungwon cannot shut the hell and fuck up about this man and clearly adores him, he's just... well. once again he's kind of allergic to sincerity in the sense that he prefers teasing jay more than tenderhearting about him. which is normal it's just funny to witness

there's something so sweet about their wildly differing backstories. richboy parkjay who is always willing to spend money on the people within his close circle, grew up with So Much, etc vs cutie yangjungwon who grew up with his grandma and did taekwondo and started training super young at a completely different company before moving to bighit... anyone else thinking about crazy rich asians au? no? just me? okay well think about it anyway because it's real and i'm obsessed with the idea of it all.

despite jay's constant vocalization about how perfect and lovely and cute and sweet and [a billion other adjectives] jungwon is i view a lot of their dynamic as like... a quiet sort of mutual adoration where they don't necessarily need to be by each other's side all the time to appreciate each other, which is something jungwon has openly acknowledged as a driving point to their dynamic when asked about how he views jay... because iirc he talked about how jay is someone he doesn't notice as "important" to him until he isn't around and THEN the realization hits. which is honestly just so cute to me and also extremely relatable when you've spent years around a person and also live with them. and of course i don't need to talk about the whole jay: "he's my lifeline" shit because that's been talked about a million times but it's interesting to me that jay seems to see jungwon as someone who heals him because that typically isn't a dynamic that i see very often from two people who act the way they do (loud honest smartass / quiet observant leaderdol)—normally i'd assume the dynamic would be occurring the opposite way? yet on jungwon's end it seems like he sees jay as less of an emotional pillar and more someone he can go to when he needs to relax. it's really cute to watch

they're definitely a steady and established dynamic within enhypen and i like them a lot :]

...anddd the rest of them

11. jay/jake (taurus/scorpio): they're absolutely growing on me out of NOWHERE honestly like i think there's good potential within these two. lots of rivalry (especially over shared_boyfriend_leeheeseung) and i think it's so cute that jay is easily humored by both jake and sunghoon like those two are literally his court jesters or whatever the hell. [🔞: i unironically think that they're the best ship for hornyfic within enha because the way jake is nonstop like "jay is so sweet and cute and adorable and btw i love taking care of him" makes my brain want to leak out of my ears... but maybe that's for another day.]

12. jungwon/niki (aquarius/sagittarius): i love wonki so bad guys. partly because i love the idea of jungwon getting to be a regular kid around someone younger than him even if he exhibits his typical leaderisms around niki lmao. also anyone else thinking about niki's unrequited crush on this boy? it's kind of fucking hilarious to me ngl

13. sunoo/jake (cancer/scorpio): it's so funny that sunjake are this low when i've written two fics with them as a main ship already (AND I LITERALLY ONLY HAVE 3 FICS...) but honestly... i have tendency to write for dynamics that aren't my favorites more than i write dynamics that are and i have no idea why that is. that being said sunjake interactions make me feel like a feral animal running around in the woods in the dead of night on a full moon like i can't explain the emotion that consumes me whenever they acknowledge each other's existence. their slowburn dynamic (which can barely even be called that because they literally do not fucking know each other) is the most awkward yet beautiful thing i've ever witnessed before.

14. heeseung/jungwon (libra/aquarius): BROTHERS? they have such a chill relationship within the way they interact with each other and it came as a shock to me when i saw that their unit name is twinz because it's like they don't have an age gap at all (or however the hell they explained the name. You get it) because i wasn't really expecting it? they're so adorable and they have such a sweet mathyung/leader relationship that feels like a subversion of the typical oldest member-leader dynamic that i'm used to seeing... if that even makes sense.

15. jay/sunghoon (taurus/sagittarius): why does jay find this man so funny. why do they bicker so well. why are they model boyfriends. [🔞: why do they also have good hornyfic potential]

16. sunghoon/jungwon (sagittarius/aquarius): i love their quiet comfortable dynamic a lot but i'd like to see how they grow from here!

17. jake/jungwon (scorpio/aquarius): i'm kind of physically incapable of shipping these two but it's also hard to view them platonically with the way they talk about each other BUT ALSO why does jake keep calling himself jungwon's dad and why does jungwon let it happen with the air of someone who doesn't agree but doesn't want to ruin the mood... seriously these two have an um. interesting friendship intertwined with lots of idolsona-induced white-lying in order to make each other happy that i think makes their dynamic Feel a little disingenuous? but also i really enjoy the idea of niki being jake's brother/jungwon being heeseung's brother/heejake pining after each other and wonki having the time of their lives watching it all unfold lmao

18. sunoo/niki (cancer/sagittarius): ah yes. two slytherin brothers who are currently in their phase of mild mutual distaste. they're perfect but inherently unshippable for what i hope are obvious reasons (read: THEY ARE BROTHERS. WHY WOULD SUNOO FALL IN LOVE WITH A 15 YEAR OLD. ENGENES PLEASE HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE) ❤️

19. heeseung/sunghoon (libra/sagittarius): they are girlfriends. like i said i'm getting there

20. heeseung/niki (libra/sagittarius): they vibe with each other but i don't have specific thoughts

21. sunghoon/niki (sagittarius/sagittarius): the fact that hybe seems keen on making them a pseudo-subunit of enha wherein they perform their parts together makes me want to scream because they're both my ults but relationship-wise i don't See them enough to have an opinion lmao!

my favorite polyam ships/trio dynamics

1. sunjaywon (two gay best friends (sunwon) and their gay best friend (jay) no but seriously sunwon are literally in love with jay and it's humiliating. this ot3 makes me want to claw at the fucking WALLS)

2. heesunjay (now that the revival of heesun has occurred i think this is solid. can you guys tell i REALLY like sunjay)

3. ot4 hyungline

4. heejayke

5. heejaywon

6. heesungsun

7. jakehoonsun

8. jakehoonki (strictly platonic with niki)

9. heejakeki (strictly platonic with niki)

10. heejayki (strictly platonic with niki)

i definitely didn't consume that much media this month. so i'll take this post as a chance to reflect on everything that went wrong and well over the course of august, as well as writing plans and general ways i want to keep myself organized because... yes it's virgo szn, yes i'm a virgo venus. what about it.

the vibes

august was definitely a strange month for me? absolutely got thrown into a limbo of writer's block / social media anxiety / stress from school (which has been a constant in my life for a year and a half now... thanks pandemic❤️) and that resulted in the entire month feeling like a vortex that i was thrown into before being spit out at the end of the month. essentially it felt like 31 days were squeezed down into one week. like what the fuck

that being said i don't think this month was particularly bad for me! started my new job (sept 4-5 will be my first weekend on my own... nervous!), finished up all of my summer classes, did well on the exam i've been studying for throughout the summer, started posting a fic, took some time off of social media and was legitimately productive throughout it... i guess it doesn't get any better than this when you spent the previous month rotting away and being depressed as fuck. so truly i will take the W lmfao.

school is starting in less than a week and i'd be excited but it's kind of hard to when you're stuck in a gray area of knowing you only have one year left but also having anxiety so bad that you're freaked out at the fact that your stupid fucking gym professor STILL hasn't put in your final grade, meaning you can't receive your textbooks or know For Sure One Hundred Percent that you have the green light to finish nursing school next year... can you tell this has been killing me for the past few months. and yes i've complained about it on the timeline constantly but i just want to knowwww like... come on now y'all. [+ tfw you emailed your advisor and he hasn't answered yet either... i'm sick and tired]

so that's definitely been a looming storm cloud over my head as i've progressed through this month and into the next. and i think as i sit down and write this post the storm cloud is completely preventing me from finding positive things lmao so i'm going to force myself to make a list of good things that have happened this month (that i can remember!):

my birthday obviously... it was nice to actually spend a couple days beforehand with family and friends to celebrate because that isn't something we normally do? somali culture kinda just glances over birthdays as unimportant (insert memes about how all somalis are born on january 1st...) but i guess this summer my family's picked up on how stressed and depressed i've been because of shit and wanted to Take Some Time to Acknowledge My Existence. it was a good week<3
quit my hell job which is most definitely something worth celebrating!
got a new job that i think i'll be able to enjoy 🥰
took my brothers to the mall of america and enjoyed it a lot more than when i went with the friends that i've now cut off... sometimes all you need is a pair of virgo twins and a 16yo aquarius rising to have fun or whatever! seriously though i love my little bros i think they're everything.
finally got around to a quick social media break wherein i spent a ton of time meditating, writing, drawing, studying korean and generally keeping to myself... and i think i've realized why my social media anxiety has been so bad. hopefully once again moving to a small priv acc will help me out here lol
finished my nursing class as well as my exercise science class (the latter of which is keeping me up at night as i wait for the final grade to be submitted but STILL.) an A- in nursing and an A in exersci i think i'm valid
started posting a fic that i genuinely enjoy writing lmao

of course it's natural that after a strenuous month i'm experiencing burnout on a ridiculous level but yknow what can you do...! i'm just trying to rest and relax and focus on myself for a bit before school starts and i'm inevitably thrown into a period of constant stress... again lol... :') i hate it here

i also think i'm going to start trying to do martial arts again soon... i'll figure out if i want to do boxing or another form but honestly i just want to get out of the house and have it not be related to school or work. like i'm sick of it❤️ but it's FINE i'm fine i'm doing objectively okay despite everything that's gone down this year. it's whatever

[cw: weight and food mention] i'm going to try to pay attention to my self-care a lot more because i kind of just let the days pass me by. and i'm going to try to set up a little mini reward system within my bullet journal so that i can both track and reward myself for doing things that mental illness and adhd makes extremely difficult (i.e. cleaning my room :/ which sucks but i'm not going to beat myself up for this lol) — i'm also going to focus on what intuitive eating means for me! i just want to be happy with myself lmao. also with regard to writing i'm going to try to focus on solar return and my festfic for hyunfest, but we'll see how that goes now that school is staring. i'm a little annoyed that i've been so slow with writing so i'll have to keep track of how it goes throughout the semester.

📚🎥📺 media consumption (or lack thereof...)

i read one (1) book and watched one (1) drama. humiliating but true!

clearly this is a byproduct of how stressed and burnt out i've been because i really was expecting august to be a better month overall for allowing me to wind down and actually consume content? but... i guess not. which is sad because it isn't like i'm going to have much time to read/watch/ENJOY things during fall semester but honestly it's fine. i definitely want to get in some more books before the year ends though!

1. A Chorus Rises (Bethany C. Morrow) - ★★★★ (book)
> this was the sequel to A Song Below Water, which i read last month! i really love the fusion of black power and urban fantasy elements alongside the fact that this book is from the pov of the "villain" in ASBW, which is... definitely something i'm not used to seeing? it's super refreshing though! i think it's a good reminder that black girls are constantly villainized when in reality each one has their own story. the magic added onto everything was just a good bonus but i think the author could've put a little more effort into the worldbuilding occurring within the story itself as it progressed because it felt too simplistic at time. also side note the cover of this book is GORGEOUS.

2. Law School - ★★★★★ (drama)
> i finished this over my social media break! it's really fucking good (like one of my favorite things i've watched... Ever) even if it gets confusing sometimes and a lot of time i could've spent progressing through the episodes was spent trying to properly piece things together because this drama does TOO good of a job with subtlety lmao. i loved it though i'm probably going to try rewatching it soon!

🎶 music

total scrobbles: 2380
average scrobbles per day: 77

top artists:
1. tinashe - 346
2. taylor swift - 293
3. sza - 156
4. day6 - 143
5. stray kids - 129
6. itzy - 116
7. niki - 101
8. enhypen - 98
9. nancy ajram - 84
10. vance joy - 81

top songs:
1. pasadena - tinashe (201)
2. good days - sza (156)
3. x - tinashe (144)
4. sparks fly - taylor swift (125)
5. i'm serious - day6 (103)
6. switchblade - niki (96)
7. wannabe - itzy (87)
8. riptide - vance joy (81)
9. easy - stray kids (60)
10. salamat - nancy ajram (58)

i think my music taste was a little more diverse this month lmao... there's an entire range of genres in here. i do find it funny that you can tell i only listened to a select few songs from specific artists, but listened to those songs so much that they made it onto the list and therefore the artists did too—like i promise i'm not a vance joy fan i SWEAR.

i made a car playlist for the upcoming school year that i'm just adding onto as i go and yes the songs are objectively bad but have we considered the possibility that i am literally just someone with a shit music taste. it's true i am no thoughts head empty on spotify 24/7! the songs are good to ME though and honestly i just wanted stuff i could sing along to so... yeah... anyone else worried that billie eilish is going to make it onto their top ten for september because hit song Happier Than Ever IS ACTUALLY GOOD? i'm so scared.

albums i need to listen to that i can hopefully review during september's monthly round-up:

stray kids - noeasy
sunmi - 1/6
lorde - solar power
billie eilish - happier than ever

oh yeah and here's the technical leo szn playlist, but honestly a lot of songs that i actually listened to aren't on here lmao.

💿 k-pop

well first of all... extremely saddened by the enhypen news ☹️ i truly hope that they just get a month straight of rest but honestly this is hybe we're talking about so. lol. they'd better postpone the comeback though i really don't care i just want them to have a fucking BREAK because it truly feels like they've been going nonstop since drunk-dazed promotions finished and like... obviously that's to be expected when you're one of the biggest rookie idol groups in the scene right now but it's still exhausting and mentally draining and they deserve a lot of time off, especially right now.

i also need hybe to do something about this one-room situation i don't understand how they didn't learn from their mistake when they shoved txt into a tiny dorm and immediately dealt with the whole pink eye situation... and the fact that five members tested positive is just terrifying.

i don't really want to focus on all the negativity going on though and i hope they get better soon :') i also hope sunki stay safe cause idk how they managed to dodge it like that omfg. it definitely makes the newest episode of en-o'clock a little bittersweet but i'm still excited to watch it because!!! they look like they had SO much fun. sorry to sap like the little engine i am but en-o'clock has really been the cutest show ever so far and it feels like they're enjoying themselves and the games they play more and more with every single episode which is so sweet to me :]

anyway, comebacks i'm looking forward to:

purple kiss
stayc
itzy
enhypen, eventually
ateez
fromis_9 and stray kids just had their respective comebacks and i need to focus on them more (yes i'm giving up on ignoring skz... listen i just think hyunjin looks so FUCKING GOOD. but anyway.)

these are essentially all the groups i'm obsessed with right now so it's PERFECT that they're all having comebacks right now and it's also a little funny that they're piling on top of each other right now like please guys single file line here. i don't have time to process anything lmao but honestly that isn't something to complain about. 💛

why the fuck did this month move so quickly and why did i achieve nothing. this post is a lot shorter than the last one because i really didn't consume that much content besides a ton of music and books lol... i feel like i didn't even read that many fics either. so yeah i'm sure i'll have more to say during august because this month always brings a carnal monster out of me

the vibes overall

well... i quit my job and immediately got a new one that pays better and will hopefully treat me better.. when the healthcare system is shit and your bar is in hell❤️ we'll see how that works though. generally now that it's august i'm like girl there is literally no way this month could get any worse because july was pretty consistently Bad for me and sometimes that's just how it be but i'm ready to move tf on!!

i finish one of my classes this week and will hopefully get to spend the rest of my summer vibing but yeah july went by wayyy too fast for me to do anything other than just Exist but in a way... it gave me a nice mental break of just tuning shit out so that was cool i guess. wow i have literally nothing to say for this section because i feel like NOTHING HAPPENED. moving on

productivity:

dance: yeah that did not happen this month i barely even learned new choreo...
summer classes: girl... help! lol
writing: posted keep it in idle literally on the last day of july... so yeah girl we were literally not writing during cancer szn.
um... generally manifesting better for august. anyway

books 📖

1. The Overachievers (Alexandra Robbins, reread) - ★★★★★
> okay generally i reread this book whenever i have intense school anxiety to remind myself that everything about the lives we lead is incredibly fake and constructed by society to force us to feel an urge to contribute to society and put us in a mindset of feeling like we're only good if we can provide something to others and—yeah you get the point

i really like this book honestly i had to write an essay on it for high school (anyone take AP LANG and create an extreme emotional attachment to your teacher in 11th grade?? no? just me? okay well) and ever since then i tend to just default to it when i'm bored/tired/anxious because robbins does a nice job of gently reminding us students that we are LITERALLY idiots and need to breathe. but also i find it so funny that people actually behave this way during their high school years because who was applying to that many schools/focusing on all the ivy leagues... that shit is so fake to me? i applied to literally two schools btw

2. A Darker Shade of Magic (V.E. Schwab) - ★★
> ummm i don't get why this author is so popular. i read vicious and its sequel and didn't enjoy those either but i decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and try this and well it wasn't good. i just despise her writing style everything feels all over the place to me...? but maybe i'll try it again idk i just don't vibe

3. Jade City (Fonda Lee) - ★★★★
> the beginning took forever to get through TBH but i really liked this... i just looove when worlds are fleshed out and when you can tell the author really thought about every piece of detail going into the mythology of it all... that being said i don't have much to say i enjoyed it like two weeks ago and i don't really remember what it's about anymore lol

4. Wicked as You Wish (Rin Chupeco, reread) - ★★★
> first of all this is the book where i managed to convince the author to mention zodiac signs at least once since they didn't even assign zodiac signs to their characters in the bone witch trilogy (yes i dmed them about this two years ago). i genuinely find it hilarious that they managed to drop the fact that one of the characters is a TAURUS like so true op... anyway the pacing of the book is strange and disjointed but the characters themselves are sooo cuties and the amount of CULTURE... it's beautiful to me. ❤️

5. On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous (Ocean Vuong) - ★★★★★
> another book where i can't even get into the vibez in a short review like it's literally just that good... seriously it made me emotional at certain points

6. Summer in the City of Roses (Michelle Ruiz Keil) - ★★★
> first of all this is really specific but i feel like the cover of this book doesn't do the contents justice? it's a gorgeous cover but the book itself is so much more vibrant... that being said i think it was messy and tried to combine too many elements into one book and the result was something that wasn't... really cohesive at all.

i actually really enjoyed it until halfway through the book when shit started getting SO WEIRD? and confusing and generally made me want to put the book down a billion times near the end.

7. For the Wolf (Hannah F. Whitten) - ★
> this book is for monsterfuckers

8. Fire with Fire (Destiny Soria) - ★★★★
> this book is ALSO for monsterfuckers but it's SO MUCH BETTER. like when are people going to understand that high fantasy stories like for the wolf are so fucking boring and european-esque and WHITE and we should therefore be defaulting to DRAGONS. this book was soooo fun to me and reminded me of a book i used to want to write when i was younger and yeah it was just a fun read... i also really enjoy when there's a moral grayscale assigned to major characters because it's like yeah THIS is how it should go!!!!!!

9. Crazy Rich Asians (Kevin Kwan, reread) - ★★★
> okay i'm only rereading this for a jaywon idea so literally do not comment on this but if you want my actual thoughts on the book: i think it's hilariously gaudy and yes i enjoy reading about rich people and their inner workings WHAT ABOUT IT. the ending of this book is just an absolute mess though... jaywon fic i will be kinder to you❤️

10. A Song Below Water (Bethany C. Morrow) - ★★★★★
> wow i seriously enjoyed this sooooo much it's such an interesting take on urban fantasy with a lot of bipoc influence and i'm definitely going to hunt the sequel down. i don't have anything specific to say honestly but i would 100% recommended it to people!

11. Verity (Colleen Hoover) - ★★★★★
> this book scared the shit out of me omfggg it was impossible to put down but at the same time it just kept getting scarier and scarier LIKE... i'm not going to spoil any of it here but it's a genuine mindfuck that left me paranoid after i finished and i'd rec it to people too but ummm heavy abuse mention tw and general disturbing themes

like it's so weird but in a way that still makes sense if that... well. if that makes sense. ANYWAY i'm never rereading that but good god i enjoyed it WAY too much

music 🎵

total scrobbles: 2976
average scrobbles per day: 96

top artists:
1. doja cat - 614
2. enhypen - 401
3. loona - 189
4. seventeen - 177
5. ariana grande - 171
6. raveena - 168
7. carly rae jepsen - 129
8. twice - 126
9. wjsn - 103
10. hope tala - 102

top songs:
1. get into it (yuh) - doja cat (256)
2. fever - enhypen (207)
3. kiss me more - doja cat (180)
4. not for sale - enhypen (172)
5. payday - doja cat (171)
6. trauma - seventeen (148)
7. wow - loona (145)
8. alcohol-free - twice (126)
9. obvious - ariana grande (106)
10. felt this way - carly rae jepsen (79)

literally don't talk to me. i don't know what happened this month but when i said in my post for june that i listened to less music than usual (~1.2k scrobbles in june) i seriously meant it... ummm anyway. why the fuck is doja cat's album SO GOOD TO ME IDC... surprisingly megan thee stallion didn't make it onto here but i started listening to her stuff again within the last week of july so she's definitely going to show up in my august roundup lol

yes fever by enhypen is literally that deep and real and personal and serious. don't inbox me about it i don't want to get into why this song is so good to me. also the fact that i started listening to svt trauma a week and a half ago and already accumulated that many scrobbles... this is actually the most embarrassing list in the world... like how did i manage to only listen to one twice song throughout the entire month and why did it show up in my top ten. manifesting better for myself my music taste is such a mess

cancer szn playlist
leo szn playlist (the beginnings of it at least)

yes that is literally all i have to offer. i'll be a better and more interesting amalthea next month. thank you❤️

some answers may be outdated—here's an old cc archive. also most of these are likely about astrology

last updated: september 2nd, 2021

enhypen
heeseung ships
thoughts on sungsun
jakehoon fic ideas
enha notps
would i do tarot readings for enha?
yunki vs. jayki
what drew me into enhypen
my song choices for enhypen / elaboration for heejay
sunwon vs. wonki
heeseung's idolsona around jay
song choices for enhypen dynamics / heejake, sungsun, sunjake, jakehoon / jaywon, heejay
jakehoon's unrequited love potential
most selfless member of enhypen
my tinhats... yes i'm just like this

enhypen astrology
why i think jake is a pisces moon
is jay an aries or a taurus?
sunjay's synastry / 2
enhypen's taurus/libra vs. scorpio placements
jayhoon synastry
niki's compatibility within enhypen
jakehoon compatibility
jayke's compatibility
sunoo's chart within enhypen

ateez
why sangi aren't compatible
minjoong synastry
fav atz chart
yeosang's birth time
mingi's compatibility with ateez
how ateez dynamics might shift in the future

general astrology
have i ever doubted astrology?
best house to have your moon and venus
how long should you study astrology? / 2
resources for astrology
why birth times aren't "dangerous"
things i wish i'd known before i started studying astrology

fic writing
my writing process
texting font on ao3
writing/planning tips

misc
thoughts on seungbin
favorite skz/atz crossovers
favorite atz/1us crossovers
1us charts
seventeen fic recs (for personal reference)
resources for learning korean

this is modeled somewhat after my sunoo mini chart analysis! i'll get into jake's idolsona, my moon and rising guesses for him and his retrograde venus + what that means for him. i'll also delve a little into his sidereal and vedic charts<3 have fun if you decide to read!

before we start!
general keywords, terms and specific things i use as an astrologer

general terms:

retrograde: comes from the latin word retrogradus, aka "backward step" - in astrology, this represents when a planet is perceived to be moving backwards in its orbit. it's an optical illusion, but when you hear shit like "mercury retrograde" this is what it means. heeseung was born under a mercury retrograde, jake was born under a venus retrograde, and niki was born under a mars retrograde.
square: a 90º angle formed between two planets. a harsh aspect that indicates a struggle the person will have to get over before they reap any rewards.
opposition: a 180º angle formed between two planets. the planets are literally opposing each other here... imo this doesn't always have to be bad but it's considered the sextile version of a square (see next two points).
trine: a 120º angle between two planets. a beneficial aspect that indicates something the person is naturally good at.
sextile: a 60º angle between two planets. also a beneficial aspect, but less so than a trine.
conjunction: what occurs when two planets are right next to each other. the energies of the planets blend... this can be good or bad.
stellium: when three or more personal planets (sun, moon, mercury, venus, mars, and i personally also add saturn and jupiter to this list) are in conjunction. it's important to remember that jake does not have a stellium; his venus is way too early compared to his sun and mercury.

here are some asteroids/points that i like to pay special attention to:

north node: a point in our chart that indicates karmic purpose. regularly used in karmic astrology to discern past lives and how it plays into this life. is on an axis with the south node, which represents what we're good at naturally but eventually need to give up.
lilith: our darkest side. represents chaos, sex appeal, magnetism and taboo topics.
chiron: our 'wounded healer'. indicates possible traumas experienced throughout life but especially as a child.
ceres: asteroid indicating attachment levels in relationships as well as nourishment and self-care.
pallas: asteroid indicating our 'secret genius', aka what we may be good at without realizing. generally seen as the 'indicator of effort', pallas is associated with the signs virgo and aquarius.
juno: asteroid of marriage and commitment.
vesta: our sacred energy that we are encouraged to dedicate to a specific craft (think the house it falls into).
vertex: widely considered the 'second ascendant', the vertex point only sits within the houses 5-9.

the degree theory is also important:

the degree theory is the belief that each degree in astrology represents a different sign and therefore a different planet!

anddd, of course, the magnum opus:

rulerships: the way a planet's energy manifests differs in each sign.
> domicile/home: the planet is comfortable here and rules this sign (or multiple signs).
> exaltation: while the planet doesn't rule this sign, it's extremely comfortable here.
> fall: the planet is at its weakest point in this sign.
> detriment: the planet is suffering/unable to manifest its energy properly in this sign.

example 1: mars
domicile: aries/scorpio
exaltation: capricorn
fall: cancer
detriment: taurus/libra

example 2: moon
domicile: cancer
exaltation: taurus
fall: scorpio
detriment: capricorn

🦮 jake
tropical scorpio sun, pisces/aries moon
sidereal libra sun, aquarius/pisces moon
vedic vishakha sun, purva bhadrapada/uttara bhadrapada moon

jake's idolsona

jake and his idolsona are things i consistently see people talking about like... nonstop. i mean seriously it's always "he doesn't display any emotion" this, "he's kind of fake" that which is well... i mean seriously to some degree i get it because when you put jake next to people like jay (who has seemed to made it his point to come off as authentic as possible) it feels like jake isn't giving us much. but why is he this way?

to start with the obvious... he's a scorpio sun (ego), mercury (communication and expression), and venus (love). i'll get into his venus with its own section because it's retrograde and also 0º and like there is so much to unpack there. but basically... scorpios are defined by their tendency towards ego death multiple times throughout their lives—they're ruled by mars (action, anger, passion) as well as pluto (ego death, evolution, intensity and secrets) and are therefore pushed by mars to take on the challenges pluto sets for them throughout life. as a result scorpios have a reputation for leading lives with many hurdles and issues.

not saying that this in particular has anything to do with jake, of course. what does manifest within his chart are the ego deaths associated with scorpio suns. in a sense it feels like the core of their personalities are meant to go through rapid changes, and they thrive best when these changes happen secretly. jake is the type to disappear from people's lives without a trace only to show up a few years later seeming like a completely different person, and this perceived inconsistency is deeply uncomfortable to him because scorpio is also a fixed sign. they like to stick to what they're comfortable with, yet at the same time feel as though they're constantly being pushed towards what makes them change, what makes them perceive things as unfamiliar... because these things will eventually help them grow.

on top of this jake also has a scorpio mercury, and it's in a tight conjunction aspect to his sun. like i mentioned mercury rules our communication and ways of expression, and in scorpio, mercury becomes deeply analytical of other people. they enjoy using their intensely accurate intuition to their advantage, figuring people out while making sure they're never figured out themselves. jake may have an interest in the maths and sciences and would thrive in psychology. he also thrives as a caretaker for others because he understands on a deep-seated level what people want out of him.

but having a sun conjunct mercury has its downfalls. while this is also usually associated with having a sun and mercury in the same house, sun-merc is considered to be an aspect that creates a "scorched mercury"—aka a mercury deeply influenced by the sun's ego. so instead of the darker, seductive energy associated with scorpio merc, jake likely feels unsure of what he should say at any given moment. because scorpio is water, he goes with the flow within conversation, but because it's also fixed he may struggle with eloquent speech. both his sun and mercury are at 22º, which in the degree theory represents capricorn/saturn, so he's naturally restrictive with the information he hands out to others.

i'll also get into this in the next section, but i think jake has a pisces moon. in general the moon represents the most private part of us, and pisces is an overall confusing sign... while the moon is comfortable it also shows a struggle with identity, especially when the sun is ruled by a deep-seated urge to change and grow repeatedly.

so like... well this is a lot to take in. but overall jake's idolsona is less of a composed, purposeful attempt at giving us just one side of him, and more of an attempt to cover up his insecurities. he doesn't do well with being in the spotlight, as this is something all scorpios struggle with unless they have the benefit of leo placements (and even then it's a relationship with the spotlight that sways wildly back and forth between love and hate). jake doesn't have a leo placement besides jupiter, which is somewhat forgettable in the grand scheme of things save for a few specific aspects of life. therefore jake feels like like... for lack of a better word, a mess. all the time. lol

what i mean is that he struggles to piece himself together in a way that will naturally make sense to people so he tends to come off as subdued. around new people he tends not to talk for fear of saying the wrong thing, but his charming libra mars makes him easy to vibe with which he uses to his advantage—it just also makes him a classic case of non-confrontational. he doesn't do well with arguments and tension. he feels like it's his personal responsibility to keep morale high in situations even if he doesn't feel well. he's a good listener, but it takes a lot for him to open up to others... he needs someone with a quiet and comforting energy to help him out in that regard. and in general he needs someone who feels like home to him, because he himself doesn't really know where home is right now.

i feel like that's a typical observation you can make just looking at jake right now—he's new to korea still, and imagine leaving australia without many goodbyes only to be picked out of a group of 500 and then tossed into a psychologically grueling survival show. like... that's some tough shit to get through and i know jake's scorpio sun is what kept him determined and gave him the drive to improve that he's known for now... because that's what being mars-ruled is like. but it's so very obvious (to me at least) that jake is someone who is struggling to figure out who he is—a celebrity with all eyes on him, or the high school boy he was before he made the decision to go to korea. in his eyes those are two very, very different people, and he doesn't feel like he can represent those two aspects of self at the same time. it's one or the other.

all in all his idolsona is deeply fascinating to me because part of it is unintentional and part of it is out of a feeling of helplessness towards the idea of what he should portray—because jake is mars-ruled it means he has so much stifled energy in his chart (this is because he has a heavy scorpio influence, but libra contradicts that because it actually struggles in mars). so really this narrative i've seen about him being purposefully deceptive when it comes to the personality he shows fans is only somewhat true—for the most part he likely doesn't even realize he's doing it.

moon + rising guesses

> jake's moon switches from pisces to aries at 3:37pm (15:37)
> at the time of making this post my current rising guess for jake is virgo rising with a 7th house pisces moon (1am)

so i should preface this by saying i'm a lot less sure about jake's chart than i am with basically everyone else in enhypen save for heeseung. jake is just really hard to figure out. we've established that. and i was actually an aries moon jake enthusiast when i first got into enhypen because that was the energy he was originally giving off to me.

that being said jake has an intense mars influence already. his sun, mercury and venus are all mars-ruled, but his mars is venus-ruled which causes all of this energy to attempt to release itself and manifest, only for his libra mars to be like "actually... no❤️" because jake gives a painstaking amount of focus to his image as both an idol and a regular guy.

let's say he has an aries moon. his moon (expression of emotions) is now solely ruled by mars. moon and mars are two fairly separate entities; when it comes to expression, you could argue that any placement from moon through mars accurately describes this, but in my opinion feelings and actions are two things that go hand in hand but are obviously completely different from each other. jake's emotions, then, would have a hypothetically easier time expressing itself. he'd be hotheaded with impulsive decisions, quick to anger and even quicker to passivity.

aries moons know what they want. they provide a fresh perspective to life and in many ways represent our inner child. they can be fun to hang around and can be exhausting after a while for... obvious reasons.

on the other hand though jake as a pisces moon would be completely different. while aries is ruled by mars, pisces is ruled by two planets—jupiter, which deals with expansion, luck, philosophy and indulgence, and neptune, which deals with our deepest secrets, spirituality, and the psyche. compared to aries, pisces is flighty and floaty and literally everything that aries isn't with a few key similarities (in sidereal aries placements are actually piscean placements, after all), and when you think about it pisces represents the 12th sign whereas aries represents the 1st—the chaos before birth/rebirth vs the excitement to start a new life, right?

with a pisces moon, jake's feelings are a little lost, a little confused. like i mentioned before the moon is comfortably in pisces because it's a water sign, but pisces is still mutable. its direction is scattered at times, its motivation is unclear.

but the difference between an aries moon and a pisces moon shows within jake's intentions. an aries moon is obviously upfront about what they want out of people—a pisces moon isn't. the mixture of pluto (scorpio) and neptune (pisces) makes jake both incredibly secretive and incredibly good at not coming off as anything particular. he keeps to himself, spends too much time wallowing in his feelings, and desperately needs a creative outlet to get the neptunian aspects of his moon flowing in a healthy manner.

as for virgo rising jake... well. like my taurus rising sunoo guess, virgo rising for jake is kind of just a hunch. he'd be ruled by a mercury that sits at a saturnian degree and conjuncts his sun while trining his moon, which probably sounds confusing but basically he'd be someone ruled by communication despite it being something he struggles at. his purpose should be to focus on healthy ways of self-expression or he will struggle.

his retrograde scorpio venus

what does it mean to have a retrograde venus? first of all you can check out this article on it that sums it up pretty well. venus retrograde is the rarest retrograde to occur—this planet rarely ever "moves backwards". so for jake to have not only a retrograde venus but a venus that is already suffering (because scorpio = mars, and venus doesn't like mars) is... well it's a bit much.

jake's venus is at 0º, trailing fairly far behind his sun/mercury at 22º. the 0th degree of any placement represents the "truest expression of the sign its in", meaning it's a placement not influenced by a sign/planet other than its own. therefore jake's scorpio venus is at its strongest point, but inherently weakened by the fact that it's in retrograde.

the thing about retrogrades is that it's kind of impossible to come up with a one size fits all definition for any of them, and jake is certainly no exception. and of course, it's difficult to see how it'll manifest throughout his life without a birth time. but here's what i can come up with for him:

jake is someone who likely doesn't feel the need to express powerful emotions even if he experiences them. which i doubt—instead he's the type to experience emotions for prolonged amounts of time, dwelling on them until he either gets them out or falls into a depression. as a result he may come off as cold/distant/incapable of emotions to others, when in reality he just doesn't feel the need to express them at all. part of this could be due to perception, because he doesn't want to come off as anything other than pleasant (libra mars). but the thing about as venus in scorpio, and a retrograde venus in scorpio, is that disturbances in emotional processes are literally supposed to happen.

he's supposed to be someone who changes as he experiences things, yet he wants to hang onto, again, what's familiar. so it may feel like people and things are constantly leaving him. it may feel like he's constantly being taken away from what he considers familiar. and as a result jake has probably had periods of feeling deeply lonely and isolated from others. instead of taking action (mars) on his capacity of love (venus) he feels there's nothing he can do to really show people that he cares, so he takes a step back and detaches instead.

he may struggle with feelings of being unlovable. he focuses his entire self-esteem on what he can give to other people and forgets that life is about the self, not others. but it also makes him deeply intuitive—again, he knows what people need from him. he's observant and does things for other people that they may not notice until long after he's done it. i can't stress enough that jake really needs someone who shows appreciation for him constantly, especially through praise.

in the linked article the writer mentions the theory of morning stars vs. evening stars. morning stars occur if the venus comes before the sun and represents someone who deals with their emotions a little easier than evening stars, though if trauma occurs early in childhood the morning star will shut down. jake has a morning star venus, and a notable aspect between his chiron and saturn (an opposition), hinting that his struggles throughout life feel as though they're prolonged. chiron is also our wounded healer and in some ways can represent our inner child, so jake needs to reconnect with what used to bring him joy. all in all, very interesting to look at from an astrologer's perspective.

sidereal and vedic charts

just like sunoo, jake has a totally different sidereal chart than his tropical. instead of scorpio sun/mercury/rx venus, pisces or aries moon, and a libra mars, jake has:

sun: libra
moon: aquarius/pisces (however, at 1am his moon is already at 28º aquarius so i truly doubt he's a sidereal aqua moon)
mercury: libra
venus: libra
mars: virgo

automatically you get the sense that this chart is a lot "softer" than his tropical. the libra placements are inherently peace-loving; the (probably) pisces moon is dreamy and creative. his virgo mars is what pushes his chart towards a more mercurial energy wherein he can hopefully express this creativity. and i'll be real, this chart generally has a lot of sex appeal lol. he's charming, sweet and loves to be taken care of/led through life, but he has a couple of issues with control (mars).

but in order to understand his sidereal we have to look at his vedic chart, which paints a different picture. for one, his mars is in the chitra nakshatra, represented as a lone star; chitra natives feel as though they must go through everything on their own. they feel there's nothing particularly special with them, just that they're hard workers determined to forge their own path in life.

on top of this jake's moon spans from purva bhadrapada to uttara bhadrapada; where purva bhadrapada's planetary ruler is jupiter, uttara bhadrapada's is saturn. where PBP natives are hardworking with clear motivations and good resources to achieve their goals and a spiritual and religious mindset, UBP natives are deeply contemplative, liberal and good with staying away from confrontation.

now, both of these things kind of represent jake to a T. i'm a little more inclined towards uttara bhadrapada moon, but that of course increases his likelihood for an aries moon so i'll have to study it more lol.

when it comes to his vishakha sun/mercury vs. his swati venus, though, the differences are evident. vishakha is a nakshatra ruled by jupiter, whereas swati is ruled by rahu. jake's vishakha sun/mercury makes him incredibly wise and deeply contemplative despite his young age, giving the impression that he's lived another life already. he's good at convincing others, calm and sometimes detached from his situations. he's also naturally warm-hearted, which makes him easily lovable towards others. he is constantly searching for someone who can complete him, and he's idealistic within romance almost to a fault.

however he may be inconsistent within the realm of interests and passions; he tends to focus his all onto only a few things at a time before rapidly switching to something new. again, this is a self-perceived inconsistency (as in, he can tell he's actively doing it) and may upset him. he might search for one thing to improve on and try valiantly to stick to his goal.

swati venus doesn't really contrast this but rather adds onto it. swati is the nakshatra of balance... this is essentially every swati native's purpose. in venus this balance is needed within his romantic relationships, yet rahu is constantly creating disturbances in life that make jake feel like he's unable to find the love he needs (remember his retrograde venus? see how tropical manifests in vedic and vice versa. i think it's so fascinating). on top of this swati natives tend to focus on the material as a crutch and therefore jake is naturally inclined towards superficiality by complete accident. he's a deep person but doesn't know how to express it, so others think that their relationships with him will be lighthearted when he doesn't view them in this manner at all. when i say jake needs another scorpio/libra placement, i truly mean it.

i do find it interesting that his leo jupiter in vedic astrology is in the ashlesha nakshatra (so it's a cancer jupiter now), because jupiter does well in cancer. think jay, who has a cancer jupiter and is... well, he's rich. jake is also rich, but ashlesha is a nakshatra that denotes someone who struggles with the expression of their emotions. with a jupiter in the ashlesha nak, i would interpret jake to be someone who grew up with financial security but perhaps a lack of emotional security. he may feel his emotions are too big for his body. the lack of an older figure guide in his life (not definitive, obv) leaves him feeling a little lost. not my business, but it's just something i noticed and find interesting.

i finished this show a month ago but like... when you literally are just too lazy to put your thoughts together. anyway this is disorganized and i no longer give a shit but i'd like to preface this with two things:

1. i'm always right and any disagreement with me is humiliation on your part, and
2. don't take any of this seriously<3

⚠️: casual haterism
if you actually like k don't read this

so first of all let me stress that this lineup is the best thing they could've come up with using the trainees they had. like it's not getting any better than this no matter how hard some of you people akgae/solo stan/ot6-ify this group of GUYS that are BROS and are slowly getting to know each other. it's actually impossible for me to think about alternate dynamics in general, which i'll get into? but obviously i have the benefit of watching this show after enhypen existed for like 7 months so. i'm biased who gives a shit.

it's just that... well certain members got so much more screentime than other people. like i think that's one of the maybe perceived downsides of i-land—if you were there to watch it from the beginning and tried to root for some grounders, there's probably a large likelihood you got pissed at one point because of the surprising lack of screentime they got. like everything was focused on the i-landers and also jay / sunoo / niki / daniel when they were in ground.

and honestly that's valid to ME!! like who was rooting for JAEHO or NICHOLAS... i'd be embarrassed. maybe i should've prefaced this with the fact that i don't give a shit about literally any of the people who regularly stayed in ground (although congrats to i-land jimin for debuting with geonu... lmao???) like seriously they're boring to me. sawry

...but anyway.

1. dynamics in part two

i feel like i enjoyed part 2 a lot more for a few reasons and one of them is because of PERFECT SUNOO💛 ranking no.1 in global votes on the regular like that's my baby iktr.

what kind of made me grimace was the fact that dynamics-wise, sunoo was a little set up for failure. like i'm confused as to why people like k were trying to speak on sunoo rightfully being at the top of the ranks for global votes... it isn't sunoo's fault he's perfect and has a good personality and a STAR QUALITY that k didn't have<3 seriously though, the general awkwardness that i felt between the grounders (sunoo daniel taki and niki) and the ones that managed to stay in i-land/were there for the end of part one actually resembled something like classism to me. the fact that people who were in i-land and managed to stay there were expressing genuine confusion over grounders who could, well, hold their ground was so ridiculously reminiscent of exactly why the trainee politics in this show made things both entertaining and super frustrating.

besides sunoo though, i think a lot of the popular budding "ships" in i-land were really just a showcases of two people who Respected Each Other's Skills and realized they could use those skills to their advantage. easy friendships like heehoon? not nearly as close back then as i think people made them out to be. whereas friendships like heejay were downplayed as a one-sided rivalry in comparison even if they'd been close for over four years as the show was airing. sorry my casual heehoon haterism is showing but like guys open your eyes it isn't real.

some dynamics that actually surprised me:

i wasn't aware sunjay's origins were in i-land like WHAT ON EARTH WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME... i had to be smacked in the face by dive into you unit (the best team on i-land btw they were so cute<3). i constantly think about sunoo running over to jay to hug him with a huge smile after jay lost the game of rock paper scissors with heeseung and it's just like... YEAH they're so cute to me. and ofc the classic interaction that went something like "i'll support you as much as i can too" "yep" was perfect... that being said i'm truly fucking obsessed with how they had to answer questions about their "closeness" in their first vlive... Like guys they weren't close.
apparently a geonu/heeseung/sunghoon friendship existed and i just never noticed. what the fuck
origins of yunki T__T
the fact that hanbin and jay became friends is genuinely killing me like what i wouldn't give for more screentime with them. hanbin is definitely the one i-land boy that didn't make it through that i almost wish DID even if he wasn't giving much the whole time... but honestly i just like him a lot so
jakewon?? were friends in i-land?? like yeah it makes sense but at the same time it doesn't. i was a lil shocked by how cute they were while they were preparing for their i need u performance... sometimes a puppy/kitty duo can be real and personal?!?! why does jungwon like jake so much.

and some dynamics i hated watching throughout the entire show (yes i hate k and seon what the hell are any of you going to do about it.):

why the hell was jay so obsessed with k. like seriously we need to get into jay's blatant adoration towards older and taller jocks it's getting real it's giving gayboy. i'm joking i hated their dynamic but something about seeing jay crawl into k's arms after he had to switch his part with sunghoon's was like... painful to ME.
if i had watched this show as it was airing i definitely would've disliked heejay's friendship (or lack thereof on this show?) crazy that heehoon/jakehoon/jayhoon were pushed a LOT more than the two people who have actually known each other for the longest amount of time... and i'm not a fan of one-sided rivalry dynamics in general. overall it was giving heeseung uncaring for jay unless he was making fun of him/jay obsessed with heeseung and like... no. just no
i obviously despise k's dynamics with taki and niki. like it's just unreal that he got away with all of that around niki in particular? and just... it felt like blatant favoritism from what we saw of those three and i simply did not care for the friendships of it all. friendships with That big of an age difference are bound to be a little annoying to me though
the i-land eldest hyung dynamic of k (97z) + seon (99z) + heeseung (01z) was literally awful actually. geonu is also an 01z but like he didn't take much of a leader position at all whereas for some reason everyone was actually looking up to seon for real which is personally embarrassing to think about... also random but the fact that they spoiled seon being kicked before the episode even aired is so AKDLJSAJFDSJFD

2. the final line-up controversy

it makes no fucking sense to me why people ACTUALLY think k (or even daniel) would be good for the group. like are you guys for real? let me get into this shit.

first of all it's important to remember that k was evil-edited to hell and back but he was STILL the source of antagonism in a lot of i-land situations (niki and the closet, flicker unit, randomly trying to speak on sunoo, and of course the hellish episode two center fight). and like, i don't think k is a bad person. i don't think he's the "villain" with an entire redemption arc that mnet made him out to be. but he's still the eldest hyung by far and should've acted like it<3

like seriously, he handled the situations he was put in really poorly. i get that he was stressed, but dragging a 14 year old into a closet to yell at him about something they disagreed on... at his big age? kind of unacceptable to me i won't even argue about this. and like, you know it's real when jungwon is telling the cameras he doesn't feel comfortable expressing his true thoughts to k. is that not a red flag for future dynamics?? what on earth had to happen for people to realize k was not a good fit for the group (besides The Scandal)? seriously.

so it boils down to this: k is not a terrible person, but he'd be a terrible fit for enhypen, where the second oldest member would've been four years younger than k and also uncomfortable with speaking his mind around him. and the age gap would've been an entire 8 years, which isn't new for kpop but definitely sets a group up for a little antagonism when the youngest member is only 15 and also BASICALLY an 06z. common sense.

and for a moment, let me compare him to sunoo. WHAT is k bringing that other members aren't already bringing? k can't sing and doesn't have a memorable voice—sunoo can, and he's a stable vocal with a surprisingly deep-voiced charm that supports heeseung in particular incredibly well. k isn't in enhypen's age range—sunoo is. sure, k can dance, but niki is a better dancer by far and sunoo can hold his own just fine anyway. and visuals are subjective... but lol c'mon now let's be SERIOUS let's be honest with ourselves; sunoo's visuals are unmatched. his personality and his star quality are unmatched. it's just obvious that he was going to be picked over k and i find it really funny that people don't get it because they're blinded by their parasocial relationships or w/e

but what about the other i-landers?

geonu: yeah, i just... no. i like geonu a lot and i think his vocals are crazy stable but he had a limit of growth and it showed in the fact that he never improved on his facial expressions and fluidity as a dancer throughout the entire time he was in i-land. and i seriously felt so bad for taki because he thought it was his fault geonu got kicked like... first of all geonu was going to get kicked no matter what. he had relative popularity and a voice and That's It. it was either gonna be geonu or taki and things worked out the way they worked out and life went on
SPEAKING of taki... i think about the mistakes he made choosing fake love's team constantly. taki got the benefit of a few good vocalists (heesun; sunghoon's just an okay singer lbr) but he fucked up monumentally in both the fact that 1. he himself isn't a good singer. he wasn't a good idol in general and 2. he chose literally the worst possible song to showcase himself. because heeseung and sunoo could do the higher range taki just absolutely paled in comparison. i think what would've been good for him is if he actually went for "average" trainees in i-land... i.e. i need u team. either way taki was NOT going to last but fake love team was kind of the nail in the coffin for him lol... that being said i think he's so cute this show was just way too soon for him
hanbin: like i mentioned before i like hanbin! i genuinely do and i'm excited to see him embark on his idol journey far away from hybe. but it's like... well i think about what that one instructor said where he was just like "you're always just hanbin" and it's real. he never really showed anything new regarding his skills and while he was a good supporting role for everyone else during performances he just wasn't bringing much to the table himself. also i think if he were in enhypen his vocals would've clashed so hard with heeseung so just like... yeah no
daniel: i think i mentioned this in my other i-land post but daniel was simply too young for the show AND he had the very real fact that sunoo was with him in ground (and for the save me performance) and just brought so much more star quality to the table than daniel did. it was suuuper obvious he'd rank super high in the end of part 1 in order to move into part 2 but afterwards he just kinda died off. honestly i looove daniel i think he's so very cuties but yknow... he also wasn't ready

3. the enhypen members throughout part two

heeseung: yeahhh he stayed pretty solid. i once again really enjoyed that heeseung wasn't just getting the "all-rounder" image slapped onto him but that he was seen as an ace AND CLEARLY FELT PRESSURED BY BEING THE ACE... like ohhh heeseung my beloved you were so clearly never meant to be the leader.

speaking of leaderisms though what truly endeared me to heeseung was the fake love unit—the fact that he clearly wanted taki to lead but ended up helping out a ton was so sweet to me idk?? he's just such a loving and caring hyung sometimes it's like T__T heeseung you're perfect. i also really loved seeing him throughout chamber 5 (the fact that he was like "yeah i definitely wanted to do this haha" FELT LIKE SUCH A LIE but it's okay) and seeing him break down over not being 1st place is something i tease him for but also something that is sooo real and relatable sometimes... like the pressure of untapped potential is real and it's out there and it really hit him in that moment

anyway. this show made me adore him so much more than i already did honestly like he's everything

jungwon: wow watching the downward progression of yangjungwon was like seriously soooo hard to get through. i think people really expected him to hold his ground so the fact that he dropped down to last place thanks to chamber 5 and then shot back up thanks to a fuckton of panic voting that ended up kicking sunoo out of the top 6 altogether is just so... yeah. and there's something about watching heeseung and jungwon hugging on the steps of the elevator post-chamber 5 voting that hit me so fucking hard like YES i cried YES i'm a cancer moon. what about it.

really though. i can't imagine jungwon not being in enhypen and i definitely can't imagine someone taking on the leader position the way jungwon is. so the fact that he was actually super close to being kicked altogether is still jarring to think about

jay: he is perfect<33 and lovely<3 NO ONE TALK TO ME. once again he displayed so many perfect leaderisms in the dive into you unit and it was just beautiful to see the way he fostered friendships and made everyone comfortable + gave them a VOICE... it seriously contrasted what was going down in flicker unit so badly it was unbelievable. and like, i constantly think about when sunoo was criticized for his lack of upper body strength, so jay's decision was to make them ALL train until sunoo felt ready instead of singling sunoo out. he's kind of just perfect to me????

jay dropping to no.11 during the mid-point evaluation was so fucking *@&$#&@$@ like i know it's because no one in america was awake but the fact that it stressed him out to the point where he wrote letters to everyone as a goodbye gift (even though his hands were swollen :sob: i'm not immune to the propaganda of a teenage boy being nice guys. i'm really not) only to shoot up to no.3 is just so... LIKE YEAH. DESERVE. he's everything to me

also can we talk about park "i haven't had a girlfriend in my 19 years of live so i took some notes from comics i've seen and decided that girls like toasters" jay... HELPPP????? okay virgin. i love him

jake: i'll be real i was expecting him to just... Have His Moment? and i don't really think he HAD a moment. jake's underdog-isms are real but in my opinion the fact that he ranked no.1 for flicker unit is just like... kind of unreal to me. he was definitely good but he wasn't the best by far—i really feel like the producers just wanted him to succeed super badly. that being said the growth he did from part 1 was definitely visible.

i'm just shocked at the way he somehow managed to never really give us a personality to work with throughout i-land. like does that even make sense? it felt like he was giving us the same awkward, shy, careful and reserved puppyboy from day 1 and it just never changed. idk maybe i'm crazy but i definitely wouldn't know how to feel about him if i'd watched as the show was airing

he was honestly a "toss-up" member to me by the time i hit the final episode and that was because i could tell that back as the show was airing it was genuinely difficult to tell if jake was going to get into the final lineup with global votes alone. there were trainees were it was obviously kind of expected they would get in (heeseung and MAYBE sunoo but sunoofans literally dropped off the face of the earth/decided to help jungwon since he was doing poorly?? i guess??) but overall besides daniel it was hard to tell who WOULDN'T get in. that's what made the show honest to god nervewracking to me even though i already knew what the outcome would be.

that being said jake's reaction after he realized he got rank 3 is kind of imprinted into my memory. i love him and he deserves the world for the hard work he's putting into being a good idol<3

sunghoon: i don't have much to say about sunghoon—i think his leaderisms are real and he's a good teacher and i also think seeing him cry so much throughout part two just made me want to hug him even more... where did people even get the ice prince image from. anyway he always did consistently well and chamber 5 unit was HILARIOUS once he was added like please bro RELAX and be more like cutieful sunoo<3

sunoo: again watching his rise to stardom in part two was legit euphoric to me. sunoo is just... something else entirely and i think he sets people off a little because he's both extremely unique and also driven. he's humble and polite and views his limits from an honest perspective but it's clear he put his effort into standing out the way he ABSOLUTELY deserved to! and i think his casual confidence and the way he approached things was beautiful to see. i just love him honestly

niki: niki's growth as a performer throughout part two was surreal to watch. seriously it's undoubtedly clear that niki knew how to dance from the very beginning but it was obvious to me that he had the mindset of a dancer, not an idol, which is absolutely understandable... but this meant his facial expressions were kind of terrible. i don't even blame him like it's clear throughout his time spent in ground that he felt pressure to bring his teammates to the top (and also get out of ground himself) and that stress is really what made him so quiet and brooding and almost just flat-out depressed throughout part 1 of i-land??? yknow? really sad to watch.

but man. even if he was never super high in the rankings until the end niki really held my attention as More than just an ult. the way i lost my mind watching him perform dna, dive into you and flame on like BRO he's just so... yeah. the star quality niki holds is pure raw determination to succeed and prove himself and he improved so much with his facial expressions and stage presence that as a dancer i was just so awed?? like why is this 14yo performing i&credible (9-member version) better than everyone else.

the reason why i say i was baffled to see jake rank no.1 for flicker vs. dive into you is specifically because i would've given no.1 to either jay or niki but either way deserved—not to go off track for a moment but flicker unit gave us nothing❤️ it was a boring performance to me with nothing really "standing out" whereas dive into you had JAYKI. and you can't go wrong with jayki together xx

4. what hybe was probably looking for

using the trainees in part two:

a main dancer: niki, k, heeseung
a main vocal: heeseung, geonu, sunoo, jungwon, hanbin
a visual: sunghoon, sunoo
an english-speaker: jake, daniel, jay
a foreign member: jake, jay, daniel, niki, k, taki, hanbin
a japanese member: niki, k, taki
someone with a rapper potential: heeseung, niki, jay, daniel
a center: heeseung, jungwon

in all honesty... i know the japanese members were close but they should've seen themselves as rivals from the beginning. it's kind of obvious that hybe was going to pick some foreign members including one japanese member—just one, which is why k ended up not being picked among other obvious reasons. enhypen has 3 foreign members: jay (american who was only IN america for 9 years), jake (australian) and niki (japanese)... therefore the balance is theoretically perfect and hybe probably thought a second japanese member would be unnecessary.

there were also more than enough trainees with rapper potential so i'm sorry to daniel but it was very clear he wouldn't be picked T__T when you think about it... i say he was too young for i-land but niki is basically an 06z and daniel is actually just a few months younger than him iirc. so rather than "too young" it's more like i-land was too soon for daniel to showcase his skills properly since he talked about how he was a little insecure about his rapping etc. right place wrong time?? yeah.

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